Update

I ended up sleeping at home last night as it all got too much.  So after a good 10 hours sleep I feel like myself again.  I managed 5 nights in a row so gave it my best shot, but I think it is going to have to be every other night in the future.

Eva has been having long periods without extra oxygen :)  Plus she is managing to maintain her oxygen saturation when she feeds from a bottle.  They checked her eyes yesterday and she is still borderline as to whether or not she needs the laser treatment.  She will be checked again on Monday.  We still don't know when she will come home, but hopefully it will be soon.

Emilia is getting stronger and stronger for every day that passes.  She is still not herself and is frowning a lot, but she is getting the pained look on her face less frequently.  Her eyes were also checked yesterday and one of them looked good but the other one may be problematic which could lead to a second laser operation :(  They will be checking again on Monday.  She is still getting quite a lot of extra oxygen but we are sure that her lungs just need time to heal.

So our plan for the day is to go to the hospital for their 12 o'clock feed and then stay until around 16.00.  We are then being treated to a dinner in a fine restaurant to celebrate Jens' Mums 60th birthday (it will be nice to get dressed up for once :)).  Then we will be back at the hospital for 21.00 and then stay the night making sure Eva and Emilia get to experience the yummy food, fresh from the breast!

Oh and Emilia and Eva were very happy to hear that their Greatgrandparents have been reading about them  from Spain :)

Update

We have spent the last three nights at the hospital with Eva sleeping in the same room :)  The first night was a bit of a challenge as my body is not used to producing milk in the night.  So Eva was sucking and sucking and still hungry.  In the end I got her a bottle of my milk and then she slept like a log :)  I have started pumping my other breast whilst she feeds which Jens then gives to her afterwards.  So we really are both in this together and he is such a great Dad :)

The first two nights she had a bit of trouble swallowing and breathing at the same time with the bottle but now we  are using a bottle with a smaller hole and it is much better.  She had a quite a severe saturation dip yesterday morning so we are staying there again tonight.  We still don't know which day she will come home; as always we just need to take each day as it comes and Eva is going to let us know when she is ready :)

I am going to try to keep my gushing about my baby to a mimimum, but I need to write about how lovely she is.  She has started to cry a little bit, but only when she is hungry. Ususally though she just lies in her bed sucking on her podgy hands and sticking out her tongue to show us what she needs.  As soon as she is satisfied she is so peaceful and calm.  We have to wake her up to feed her as she loves to sleep.  Taking care of her feels so natural and easy, I just hope now that my milk starts flowing soon so that I can satisfy her without needing to use bottles.

Emilia looked much better this morning.  She was able to come into our room yesterday evening and night and snuggle up with Eva (which is the cutest thing ever - oops, gushing again!). Her eyes are still swollen from the operation but she seems to be much calmer.  As always, we are trying to spend as much time with her as we can.

We are having a talk with the Dr this afternoon.  Eva had her eyes checked again on Monday and they need to look again on Thursday; so she may still need to have the laser operation.  We are not sure when Emilila will move to the surgical ward but hopefully we will find that out today.



 

Update

Unfortunately we couldn't sleep at the hospital last night :(  Eva had about four episodes during the afternoon and evening where she stopped breathing.  She didn't need to be ventilated and managed to fix it each time herself but the Dr felt that it wasn't worth the risk and neither did we!  One of the early signs of an infection is a change in breathing patterns so she was tested yesterday afternoon and once in the night.  The afternoon test was negative and I don't know about the night test.  But I do know that she breathed her way through the night so fingers crossed it was nothing serious.

A similar thing happened when my Mum was with us;  she was sick and then swallowed it again and then she dipped in her oxygen saturation.  As always I have a theory!  I think it is all connected with her breastfeeding and not being fed via her feeding tube. Over the past few days she has undergone some major changes. I ran it by the Dr who though it was possible (but not likely, haha!).  The good news is that they are keeping a close eye on her and she is the picture of health with her little chubby legs and rosy cheeks.

Grandma Lindqvist got to have cuddles with her yesterday :)

My heart was literally ripped open and stamped upon yesterday when I had to watch my beautiful Emilia recovering from her eye operation.  Her eyes are really swollen with puss coming out of them and she kept getting a pained look on her face.  The problem is that she still doesn't cry.  Her oxygen saturation remained stable, stopping the nurses from knowing that she needed help.  So she was just lying there literally writhing in pain.  They upped her pain medication after I kept telling them about it.

We ended up staying at the hospital last night until 23.00 just holding her and stroking her little head.  It is a lovely feeling knowing that we can calm her. She properly breastfed last night for the first time too, so it isn't all doom and gloom.

I just want it all to stop! When my little girl gets home she is going to have the most beautiful, warm, safe and loving life possible, that will hopefully make up for all this!

So today is a new day!  Like yesterday we will be going to the hospital armed with our cooler box and overnight bag in the hope that our little Eva can party with us tonight :)

Breastfeeding day :)

Eva breastfed four times yesterday :)  The first time she took 50 ml  and then because she is so clever and seems to have mastered the art she is being left to her own devices and will be weighed daily to check that she is getting what she needs.  So when I am there she will just feed from me :)  I worked out before that I have pumped approximately 350 times so all my dedication has now paid off.  Emilia's food intake is still being closely monitered so for now I cannot breastfeed her.

So we are now treating Eva like any new born baby.  We are expected to be there much more so her breastfeeding can become established and then her feeding tube can be removed.  We are sleeping at the hospital on Friday and then I can feed her through the night.  Oxygen and a breathing monitor have been ordered and all being well, she should be coming home next week :)  We picked up our car yesterday and will be taking their pram and bed home from Jens' Mum and Dad tonight so it is all go.  Everything feels a little bit daunting but I cannot wait to have my baby with me all the time.

Emilia is doing her best to fully fight off the infection.  She is going to be moved to the surgical ward after her eye operation and then hopefully her intestine will be re-attached.  When that happens she will get her own room and then me and Eva will stay over with her.  My baby girl is not going to be alone!  She sat cuddled up to her Grandma yesterday afternoon which gave her the chance to fully relax and get a good sleep.  She is a little angel and we are so proud of her.

Update

Emilia and Eva are back in the same bed.  Emilia has spent the last few days recovering after her operation and today she was back to her normal, very awake, little self :)

Both girls have been seeing the eye doctor for the last couple of weeks.  It is quite common for premature babies  to need a laser operation to make sure their eyes develop properly.  Unfortunately Emilia needs to have it :(, which will involve another dose of anaesthetic.  Eva's eyes have progressed and at the moment she doesn't need the treatment but that could change so they will be checking her every week.

Over the weekend I have spent a lot of time with Eva at my breast.  Although she is very interested, because she is still so young she ususally falls asleep after a few minutes of exploration.  Last night she was sick for the first time which is a sign that she is getting milk from me.  So today we weighed her before I breastfed her and then after and she had sucked 30ml!  How cool is that!  Nothing happened the second time but she is definitely moving in the right direction.

My Mum has been with me most of the time which has been lovely and a great support.  We are now able to book a room where we can be alone with Eva and start taking more responsibility. There have been a few stressful moments but for the most part we have handled it really well.  I feel like I am really getting to know my little Eva and it is lovely.

Eva's been on a journey!!

For the first time Eva has left her room, gone down the corridor and spent the evening with us and her Grandparents :) Grandma and Grandad Brown got to hold my little angel and she loved it as much as they did.  We are all sitting round the fire with a lovely warm glow, it is beautiful.

Emilia had a small operation today to set an entrance into her major vein.  This involved her having a general anaesthetic and now she is recovering on a respirator.  We have lit her candle and are all hoping that she is going to feel better soon.  

Update

We found out this morning that Emilia's infection value had increased again.  At the hospital yesterday she had to go back on cpap machine and looked really tired, so it did not come as too much of a shock.  They took another blood sample at 14.00 and the value has decreased again.  She was back on the nasal cannula and seemed much more like her normal self.   The culture has come back from the lab showing a type of bacteria in her blood that people usually don't react to.  She got the specific type of antibiotic needed to treat it today and she is still getting a broad spectrum of antibiotics.

An ultrasound of her entire body is scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been assured that they are keeping a very close eye on her and hopefully they will get to the bottom of this soon.

When we arrived this morning Eva was wearing a normal nasal cannula instead of the one that has pressure and moisture.  If she needs to have oxygen at home then this is the kind that she would wear.  She reacted extremely well to the change :)

So the last few days have left us with mixed feelings.  Eva's progress is fantastic and she is doing better than we ever could have expected, but all of our joy is clouded by the uncertainty surrounding baby Emilia.  Deep down though I know she is going to be ok.  Whether she needs to have another operation or if it is down to her body to adapt and repair then I know she will fix whatever needs fixing.

Jens' Mum and Dad have treated us to an overnight spa break in the city tomorrow, which is something we really need and appreciate (tusen tack Claes och Irene).  So we will be spending the morning cuddling our beautiful twins and the afternoon being massaged and pampered :), followed by a juicy steak and big glass of red wine.

Update

Emilia is doing much better and is back on the nasal cannula :)  When they took out the needle into her central vein she improved dramatically so they think that bacteria had grown on that.  They have taken a culture so we should get a definite answer at some point this week. 

Hopefully they will be back in the bed together soon, but for now Eva is enjoying being a princess in her king size bed!

Update

Since we left the hospital Emilia has improved.  She had more energy in the night and the nurses are not too worried about her.  We are going there this morning and will get more information.

Update

Emilia has got another infection so they are no longer in the same bed.  She went back on the cpap machine in the night and when they took the infection test her white blood count was low and her infection count higher than normal.  She has been really tired and cold all day. 

Just before we left she got blood platelets and she is back on full antibiotics.  She is still on the cpap machine with 53% oxygen.  

It does not seem to be as severe or as life threatening as her last infection, so fingers crossed it doesn't develop into something worse. 

Rainbow

We are all officially back under the rainbow and I don't just mean metaphorically speaking.  Here is a picture of the rainbow taken from the hospital window after Emilia and Eva were tucked up in bed, all cosy and close to each other.

They are so funny and cute together.  Emilia was really awake and kept grabbing onto Eva, who slept through everything.  She is totally unaffected by her little big sisters bedtime playing :)  It is hard to believe how different they are and that their personalities are so strong and defined at only week 34.

Seeing them together, under the rainbow, proves that this world is a wonderful place.  This is one of the happiest days of my life.

Week 34 :)

They were back in the bed and the little one said, "I missed you, I missed you!"

Yes, Emilia and Eva have been re-united :) We are so happy about it and now it feels a bit easier to leave them at the hospital as we know they are not alone.  They have reached the week 34 mark today as well, so it is a day to celebrate.  Eva weighed 2050g today!  Emilia had been given some medicine to make her urinate so we are a bit unsure about her weight but at a guess it is around 1650g.  She is still only getting 4ml of milk every 3 hours.  Everything is looking good but they are being extra cautious this time around and don't want to put too much pressure onto her system.

Eva has been wearing the nasal cannula since I last wrote about it but Emilia was back on the cpap last night.  Emilia has been given urination medicine as she has been retaining water.  This could be the reason for her getting tired away from the cpap.  She urinated a lot today so all being well she will be back on the cannula in no time.

Even though things are still going really well I have not had such a good day.  I suppose when there is no crisis situation it is easy to reflect about the day to day trivial things and start to feel frustrated.  I just want them home so bad, to a point where it physically aches inside me.  We worked out that we may have 42 days left and that really freaked me out.  Emilia still has a lot of wires and seeing her on the cpap feels like a step backwards and it looks so uncomfortable too.  Jens has spent the afternoon reassuring me and helping me to see all of the positives and now I feel a lot better.  I guess it is just to take one day at a time and try not to think of the future too much.

One last thing! I want to tell you all about where Emilia's name came from.  Emilia was one of many names we were considering.  Then we found out that Jens' Grandmas middle name was Emilia which made it more appealing.  The twins were born on the 27th July which was Märtha Emilia Byvald's birthday.  In the end it was an easy choice, fate made the decision for us!

Eva

Eva Toni Lindqvist is my calm in the storm :) During my pregnancy, twin 2, who lay across my stomach in top position was always my little Eva.  She is named after my Aunty Eva who was a very close family friend who passed away a few years ago.  We all miss her dearly.

Eva is Jens' mini me.  I didn't see it at first, but as she is growing she is looking more and more like him.  She likes to sleep, A LOT!  Preferably on her belly.  Eva moves her hands in a very graceful way and stretches her fingers out to the max so that they curl backwards.  When she wakes up, she likes to spend a few minutes stretching.  When I lie my head on her pillow she explores my face with her podgy little hands.  It is looking she is going to have blue eyes and her hair is strawberry blonde, she is so cute and beautiful.  Eva doesn't cry!  She is at her happiest when she is lying at my breast or snuggled into Jens' armpit (a place I rather enjoy myself!).

Eva was shocked into this world and it is hard to know what is worse.  To fight for your life or to be dragged out of your cosy bubble, completely unaware of what is going on and then adapt.  Her life journey has not been easy but things are looking very positive for my little Eva.  Tomorrow when they weigh her she will be over 2 kg :)  We are so proud of her :)  When Emilia was at her worst, I held Eva for hours just watching her screen and hoping.  She really helped me get through the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with.

Here is a picture of Eva stretching:

 

Emilia

I have woken up today thinking a lot about Emilia.  I have spent so much time writing about what has been wrong with her so now it is time to share all the beautiful things that are right with Emilia Cajsa Lindqvist.

Her light brown hair is soft like feathers.  She has lots of energy, which I think she gets from me and sometimes it feels like she has a hard time relaxing.  But when I sing to her and stroke her forehead and hair she becomes peaceful and calm. She likes sucking on her dummy and even holds onto it sometimes.  She doesn't cry!  Emilia is very curious about the world around her and her eyes are open wide a lot, much more than you would expect such a young baby to be awake.  She has got Jens' big beautiful eyes, but we think they are going to be the same colour as mine (green with a brown ring in the middle, just like my mummy's). Her face is beautiful like an angel.

Emilia saved my life and Eva's too.  Had she not set everything going in the beginning, then all three of us may have died.  So when I thought she wasn't going to make it everything felt so unjust.  She has fought to live so many times now and has been through so much already.  Emilia doesn't give up.  Now it is her time to be loved and to get the chance to see all the things that she is going to be so curious about;  Her cat Guinness, her Grandparents, her aunties, her cousins, all of our friends who already love her, her frog bedroom and pram, her rainforest baby gym, her home, mushrooms in the forest, flowers, the list is endless.  Like my poem said, there are so many things planned for her!

When Emilia got the infection Jens said to her, "all you need to do is fix this and we will fix the rest".  That is what we are going to do!

Here is a picture of Emilia:

Great weekend

We have had a lovely weekend with Eva and Emilia, they are both progressing so well. 

Poem

So we are back to the place where all is going so well and my babies are doing what all babies do; eating, sleeping, pooing and melting our hearts with every new facial expression or cute sound!  If the blog is not updated then you know that is what they are doing :)  I just thought I would share a poem that I wrote for Emilia after her second intestine operation.  It is hanging at the bottom of her bed.

I think about you all the time

You're in my heart and on my mind

Your little body so small and frail

Justice must prevail.

There are so many things planned for you

A magical cabin with a green canoe

A house in Marden, you'll be there too!

Our home is waiting for your smile

For you to hold your sister and think a while

To run and dance and joke and sing

It is going to be a special thing.

The fight is now, so bring it on!

For me and your Dad you've already shone

So keep it up our special girl

And soon we will see you laugh and twirl.

I wrote out the poem Cajsa read at our wedding for Eva, Morgon by Karin Boye.  It really is a beautiful poem too that sums up how I feel about my baby girls.

När morgonens sol genom rutan smyger,
glad och försiktig,
lik ett barn, som vill överraska
tidigt, tidigt en festlig dag --
då sträcker jag full av växande jubel
öppna famnen mot stundande dag --
ty dagen är du,
och ljuset är du,
solen är du,
och våren är du,
och hela det vackra, vackra,
väntande livet är du!

I will just translate the last part:

Because the day is you,

And the light is you,

The sun is you,

And the spring is you

And all of the beautiful, beautiful

Waiting life is you!

So on that lovely, poetic note I will go and pump some milk :)