My thankyou letter

As Emilia is about to come home, it seems only right that I make the thankyou card that I have been planning to give to the neonatal unit.  I want to keep a record of what I write to them and thought I would share it with everyone here too.  It really feels like all the bad things are finally ending; here is my closure:

I have written this thankyou card over and over in my head.  I am not sure that words can do justice to something this big, but I will try; I want you all to know how I feel.


On the 27th July my two angels came into this world.  My first thought was one of relief as the labour was so painful but I don't think a day has passed where I haven't wished that Emilia and Eva could still be inside me, protected and able to grow.


We were then thrust into a world of incubators, CRP values and lots of stressful plinging.  I have seen both of my babies stop breathing and turn blue, witnessed a sepsis infection where Emilia nearly died and been woken repeatedly in the night to be told a respirator was needed (yet again!)..... the list goes on and these horrors still haunt me.


Eva has been home now for over three weeks and she is thriving.  But for the small amount of oxygen she occasionally needs, you would never know she was premature.  She is perfect.


Emilia is about to come home on a 24 hour trial :), is now eating all the food she requires and is back to her wonderful, beautiful little self.  It is a miracle that she has survived all she has.  She is a blessing and a fighter and I am sure that greatness awaits for my princess.


This happy ending is down to the amazing team that got my babies through this.

• Thank you to the nurses and doctors who dared to give us hope when everything felt hopeless.
• Thank you for every time you put a needle in my babies, essentially saving their lives.  Each time I wanted to scream "stop" but you did what you needed to do.
• Thank you to the nurses who not only cared for my babies but who also gave them love.  So many of you go that extra mile and it means so much.
• Thank you for putting up with my questions that I knew could not be answered.
• Thank you to those of you who checked in on us, even when Emilia and Eva weren't in your care.  I am sure that they miss so many of you.
• Thank you for letting us use the green chairs for as long as we did ;)
• Thank you to all the doctors for keeping us constantly updated, we know how busy you all are.
• Thank you for making the toughest time of our lives bearable and at times enjoyable.
• Thank you for saving our babies.

So now it is down to us to carry on the good work that you started.  We are so excited about being able to start out life together as a family.  Thanks for everything :)


Jens, Paula, Eva and Emilia (aka Pling och Plong ;))

Emilia is coming home

Emilia is coming home tomorrow on a 24 hour trial :)

I meant to write the blog last night as two very exciting things happened yesterday.  The first thing was that Emilia breastfed 50 ml!  Which is a record and 40 ml came from my weaker breast, the one I hardly ever get any milk out of.  Which goes to show that pumping milk is totally rubbish.  The only problem is that as she is so little and still quite weak, she doesn't have the strength to suck so good every time.  We are going to keep her feeding tube in place until the breastfeeding gets even stronger.

The second good thing was that as Emilia is now eating 60 ml of food, she no longer needs her drip and so they were able to remove the last needle (which was in her head)!  Meaning that she is totally free and only has oxygen and her feeding tube.  I cried tears of joy and relief while holding her close to me.  The feeling was so so strong and overwhelming that it is difficult to describe (I think the nurses were quite surprised by the strength of my reaction).  We have seen so many needles put into her and seen her unable to move her hands and feet properly.  It never got any easier.  But now that is all behind us and it feels amazing.

The past is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift - that is why it is called the present!

We have spent the last three weeks loving Eva at home (who slept well for the first time in her bed) and tomorrow Emilia will get the same treatment; I cannot wait!  I have always said that I cannot imagine how it will be to have both of my baby girls home and to be honest the anticipation of the unknown makes it even more exciting.  I know it is going to be hard work but I hope all these experiences we have had so far are going to help us enjoy every minute even more, even during the tough times.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason?!

Thank you

Thanks to all the lovely words of encouragement from so many people about my breastfeeding efforts and the whole "formula" issue.  I know I need to sort my head out and stop focusing so much on it.  Emilia breastfed three times today, the first and last times went ok but the second time she only ate 5 ml.  It is hard to not feel disappointed when she has been feeding for 20 minutes and what she is doing feels right.  I promise I will try to just let it go and focus on all the good!

Emilia is doing great :)  She is still pooing a little bit too much, but they are going to give her the extra nutrients and liquids she needs via her feeding tube; meaning that soon she is going to be free of all needles into her body thus reducing the risk of infection.  She gets upset when she is hungry but apart from that she is super calm and back to her normal self.

Maybe this time next week we will all be home together :)

Day at home

Jens headed off this morning to spend the day with Emilia and so I get to be at home with little Eva :)

Yesterday they increased Emilia's food to 60 ml, which means she is now getting all the food she needs.  Unfortunately though she still needs to be on the drip as she is pooing too much, meaning she is not getting all the nutrients she requires.  I have not had an update from Jens yet so I don't know how she got on in the night, but the Dr told us yesterday that we are looking at 1 -2 weeks until she will be able to come home :)  There is light at the end of our insanely long tunnel.

Eva had her weekly check-up yesterday and she weighed in at 3535 g!  The nurse was happy with her progress.

I am still struggling to come to terms with my dwindling milk supply :(  It feels so unfair.  I just spent some time reading about formula on the internet and really wish I hadn't.  You would think I was giving my babies poison!  I understand the need to promote breastmilk but at what cost? Do these people not understand that there are extreme situations where formula is the only option.

I just cannot shake the feeling that I have failed my babies yet again.  Emilia is now getting about 15 ml of my milk each feed and 45 ml formula :(.  I am spending so much time pumping and hand milking (my right breast no longer responds to the pump) that I am so close to just giving up - and giving up is so alien to me.  I never really minded pumping when I got a decent amount of milk, after every pump I felt like I had achieved something.  Now each time I just feel defeated.

Update

So I have just said my goodbyes to my Mum and Dad and I am sitting on the sofa with Eva beside me in her Winnie the Pooh baby chair.  I have just fed her and she is enjoying looking around and wiggling her little podgy body.  She is 3,5kg and apart from the very small amount of extra oxygen she needs, you would never know that she was born 16 weeks early.  She is perfect.

We have spent the day at the hospital with Emilia, who is progressing really well.  They are gradually increasing her food intake and she has gone from 2 ml upto 35 ml.  She needs to get upto 60 ml for them to be able to take away her drip; something we are looking forward to as it minimises the risk of infection.  She has had lots of cuddles from her Grandparents today and got to have a siesta with Eva after she tried to feed on her face!  They are so cute together.

Even though the ward is small, we are very happy with where Emilia is and the care she is getting.  Luckily there has only been one other baby in the room all weekend, although that baby has severe breathing difficulties and cries a lot; it is heartbreaking to hear.  I am longing for the day when we don't need to go to the hospital.

This is a blog about Emilia and Eva so I will try to keep my ramblings to a minimum about myself, but the past three weeks have been three of the toughest weeks of my life.  My mastitis did not resolve itself and I was put on antibiotics.  The pain in my left breast was so intense that I was on full dose of ibuprofen and paracetamol but I was still feeling pain with flu like symptoms.  In the end they had to put a drain in my left breast and suck the puss out of the right one. It hurt like hell and my milk supply is pathetic.  Emilia is now getting 50% breastmillk, 50% formula, which I hate, but there is nothing I can do about it.  Due to the overwhelming nature of everything and me being so ill I have also felt extremely depressed.  I don't think I have ever needed my Mum as much as I did this past week.  She has literally done everything for me, enabling me to focus on Eva and cope with the tough situation Emila is in; she is an angel and I am so thankful.

But I feel a lot better today and more able to cope with everything (a big relief for my Mum!).  My breasts seem to be on the mend and Eva is living proof that formula is ok.  It's not how I want it to be, but then none of this has was part of my plan.  It is easier said than done, but I am going to try and relax more.  I know it was stress that caused my breast infection and I refuse to let that happen again.  So with Eva in my arms, I am now going to get cuddled up on the sofa and have a little nap with my beautiful baby girl.

Update

Emilia moved to the surgical ward yesterday where they will gradually increase her food intake.  This is a very positive step for her but we still have no idea how long it will be before she comes home.

I got a bit of a shock as the new room is really small and shared with 3 other families :(  But we just have to suck it up and get on with it and just do everything we can to help Emilia get through this.  She is now eating 10ml per feed and they let her suck on me; she took 20ml in about 4 minutes!  So the next breastfeeding session is going to have to wait until she is used to eating larger amounts.  I really need her to suck the mastitis out of me as Eva is still not sucking well.  Sometimes she does ok, but most of the time it just tickles.

I started taking antibiotics 5 days ago and have been very ill and depressed over the weekend.  I am still in a lot of pain and have to take ibuprofen, but I no longer have a fever.  I am seeing the Dr again tomorrow.  Luckily my Mum flew out last Friday to help us and to be honest I don't know what I would have done without her.  Just coping with a new baby at home is tough, add a flu like fever, excruciating breast pain and another new born in intensive care and it is hard not to feel completely overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless.

But I have got through it and feel a lot better today.  As Eva was awake for a large part of the night she is now sleeping like a little princess in her carry cot on the sofa and I just napped with my head snuggled into hers.  For the most part she is no trouble at all and is very relaxed with us at home.  Even when we have to take her to the hospital she just sleeps and lets us give our attention to Emilia.

 

Update

Emilia is no longer on the respirator and is back on the nasal canula.  With a little bit of help from one of the Nurses she did her first poo just before we left the hospital.  She was really awake and less swollen than she was on Monday.  We met up with her surgeon this afternoon and she is happy with Emilia's progress, so things are looking up.

We lay Eva next to her so that they could have some sister cuddling time; they held hands straight away and Emilia's saturation shot up to 100 (the hightest it can be).  I even asked if Eva could spend the night with Emilia but they said no :(  I hate the fact that the weakest one in our family is all alone, it seems so unjust.  But it is just a matter of time until Emilia will be moved to the surgical ward and then hopefully we will get our own room and can all be together.

I met the lactation consultent who thought we should pipette milk into the nipple sheild when Eva is feeding, as a means to stimulate her sucking.  I do feel a lot better as she has told me that I don't need to pump after every feed and she showed me how to hand milk myself, which is a much more effective way of getting the higher fat content milk out.  She also believed that one of my very sore, red lumps needs to be sucked out with a needle.  I am meeting with the Dr tomorrow and hopefully it will get sorted once and for all.

Eva had her first week at home check-up today and they were very happy with her progress!  She now weighs 3015kg and is 40,5cm long.  Emilia is being weighed tomorrow.

Update

Emilia is still recovering after her operation, she is stable and still on the respirator.  When they opened her up to operate they found bacteria in her stomach so she is being treated with more antibiotics.  Me and Jens have been taking it in turns to go and visit her, enabling Eva to get settled in at home.

It is really lovely to have Eva at home, but it is so hard for me to relax as I am so worried about Emilia.  When I visited her on Sunday I got really upset when I saw her as she was so swollen and looked the same as she did when she had the life threatening sepsis infection.  The nurses have assured me that her reaction to the surgery is normal and they are not worried.  I have been able to get some comfort from their words.  I think we are both just overwhelmed.

I am still struggling with painful lumps in my breasts too and unfortunately my milk is still not flowing :(  So sometimes we have to give Eva formula. She is not sucking as she should either so I am meeting with a lactation consultant on Thursday morning.  I met with a Dr on Monday who did an ultrasound on my breasts and didn't find any infection so I just need to take ibuprofen to bring down the swelling.  To be honest I don't really feel 100% well, which just makes everything so much harder.

Update

Emilia's operation went well!  No more poo bag :)  We have left her stable at the hospital in the healing hands of the wonderful nurses.

As I am typing this, little Eva is in the basements with Jens.  We brought her home about 2 hours ago and it feels fantastic.  To mark the occassion, Eva had an excellent breastfeeding session with me on the sofa.

I am feeling pretty exhausted and it all feels like a bit of a dream, but knowing that Eva will always be with us is such a comfort.

Update

So where do I start?  It has been 5 days since I last wrote anything and so many things have haopened.  For those of you who just want a quick update; the girls are doing really well and hit the 38 week mark today :)  Eva had her eye operation today and it went well.  She came off her respirator in the operating theater and is now back on the nasal cannula with a small amount of oxygen.  Emilia is scheduled to have her intestine re-attached on Friday :)  I nearly burst into tears when our Dr told us the news; we have been hoping for this for so long.  Unfortunately she has been given an emergency operating time so if a more serious case comes in, then the surgery will have to be postponed.  Fingers crossed all goes to plan.

So there are two reasons why I haven't updated the blog; the first is lack of internet at the hospital and the second is that I have had mastitis (mjölkstocking) for the last 4 days.  I had a high fever (it is as bad as having the flu) and extreme pain in both of my breasts, it really is a horrible thing to get! We were also told on Friday that we are now expected to be at the hospital 24/7 and that if we needed to run errands then one of us must be there to care for our babies.  So we knew that the gourmet restaurant experience was going to be our last real night of freedom, so of course I started feeling weird halfway through the dinner with excrutiating pain in my left breast.  We had planned to sleep at the hospital with Eva after the restaurant but I felt so bad that I just couldn't face it.

I called the hospital Saturday morning and was told that our babies needed us even though I was ill and so we went to the hospital.  How we got through the last few days is beyond my comprehension.  Jens had to do everything for all three of us, while I just stepped up for breastfeeding and baby snuggles.  

Unfortunately I am still not producing enough milk to feed Eva and Emilia :(  Everybody tells me not to be stressed about it and that it is most likely stress that caused the mastitis.  I have pumped for the last three months with this as my goal.  When, after Eva has been sucking for 45 minutes she is still showing me she is hungry it is hard not to be stressed.  Plus she is so little that she doesn't have the energy to suck as long as she wants to.  We have been forced to give her formula after her breastfeeding attempts and prioritise Emilia with my breast milk.

So we have just spent our last night at home, just the two of us.  Eva has been given the time she needs to rest after her operation and she willl sleep with us tonight.  I have just had a really good nights sleep and feel like myself again.  Eva is ready to come home, so there is a big chance that on Friday night my little Eva will get to sleep in her own bed for the first time and meet Whiskey.  It is hard for us to imagine her being here, it is hard to comprehend that we have made it this far.

But most of my thoughts are with Emilia, my beautiful little fighter who has been through more in the first 14 weeks of her life than most are faced with in a lifetime.  So everyone get praying, hoping and wishing that Emilia's tough journey has the happy ending it deserves.