Peace

I attended my friends funeral yesterday and it has left me in a state of peace and appreciation.  I still cannot get over the fact that I will never see John again, I liked him so much and it is such a waste of a truly wonderful life.  Seeing so many people devastated really hit home how important family and friends are and how we never really know the extent to which we influence others.  Would John have done the same thing if he had known how special and loved he was?

Me, Jens and our friends and family have spent the last five months fighting for the lives of Emilia and Eva.  I live for my babies and would do anything for them.  It is easily the toughest job I have ever had (and I have had a lot!) but as a parent you fight for the lives of your children.  In a way you put on hold your own life for theirs.  I cannot imagine how his parents must feel and I am so sad for them and for his sister.  I hope they can all find the strength to get through this.

So on Thursday when I pick up my sister who I haven't seen in a year she is going to get the biggest hug ever, as are my Mum and Dad.  I have a new found respect for them as Í now know how hard they worked to raise me and love me.  I am so lucky :)

Oxygen

Emilia has been without extra oxygen for the last two hours :)

Best christmas present

I got the best crimbo present yesterday, Emilia had her best day yet.  She ate well all day/night and hardly cried at all.  She took her first bath without crying too :)  Hooray.

We shared a lovely, cosy Christmas Eva with Farfar and Farmor Lindqvist.  Emilia and Eva seemed really at home in their Granparents' apartment.  They both got a gold heart necklace with their names engraved on one side and their date of birth on the other.  They are such beautiful and thoughtful gifts that they can treasure forever.

Merry Christmas everyone and thank you so much for all your support!

Update

Emilia had her eyes checked yesterday and has been given the all clear :)  Meaning that both laser eye operations were successful.  Emilia and Eva will have a routine check in a couple of months.

As expected, Emilia had barely put on any weight.  She is now 3495, meaning she had only put on 45g in three days :(.  The Nurse thought it was good that her tube was gone and gave us the option of fixing a new one.  We have decided against it and are going to give Emilia a chance to get used to feeding around the clock from a bottle.  It is really frustrating for both her and us, but the feeding tube is only a temporary solution anyway - she has to learn!  I know that she can do it and just needs a bit more time.  Ideally she needs to eat 500ml over a 24hr period and after her next feed she will have reached that goal :) She does seem a lot calmer and she is being sick less.  We will weigh her again next Wednesday so fingers crossed.

Feeding tube

We may have taken away Emilia's feeding tube too soon :(  She is not eating her full amount of food from a bottle and is being sick much more than normal.  We are going to the hospital tommorow for her to be weighed and checked, back on the neonatal ward so we will see what they say.  I really thought she would be able to handle it, but she is so tired and it takes her forever to drink from her bottle and then she is sick :(  Boo hoo.

3450g

Emilia weighs 3450g, meaning she has put on 230g in a week :)  We asked our Nurse, who came on a home visit, to remove Emilia's feeding tube.  I hope this is the right decision and that she will still put on weight.  It does mean we will have to work harder but it is worth it.  She just ate 80ml from a bottle so is right on track :)  I love her so much and seeing her pretty little face without a tube going into her nose is the best christmas present ever.  So, now we just have her oxygen and hip brace left :)  On the 16th Jan we will take Emilia in to have her hips checked.  Jens is convinced that on this date she will be free from extra oxygen and her hip brace and will be ready to live her life like any other baby :)

Eva had also put on weight and is now 4340g.  She is thriving.

Me and Jens are feeling really happy!  Our little cubs are sleeping soundly and our christmas tree is shining in the corner.  I am literally bursting with joy :)

Emilia, free from her feeding tube and nasal cannula:

Eva ready for a winter walk!

Hard to make sense of

Emilia seems to be doing a little better, although it is still up and down and sometimes it is clear that she is pain.  It is heartbreaking for me to watch but I am trying to just take it day by day.  On Tuesday she will have been at home for 3 weeks!  I cannot really say the time has gone fast and all the days seem to just merge into each other but it does feel like we are getting there.  We are managing to get some order in our house and I even did the ironing the other day which has been waving at me for about 2 months :)!

Eva is a little star!  She is still eating and sleeping really well. She is a strong little one.  She can hold her head up and is the cuddliest little munchkin.  We sat them face to face last night on Jens knee, haha, it was very very cute.

It is safe to say that me, Jens, Emilia and Eva are living in a bubble.  There is so much to do and time between feeds seems to fly by so fast that it is easy to forget about the lives of friends and family.  Two days ago my little family bubble was burst when I recevied the heartbreaking news that a guy I study with has taken his own life.  John Berg was a friend of mine and a part of my circle of friends in Borås.  I remember him consoling me when I felt anxious about being pregnant and just seeing him lit up my day.  I am so gutted that I will never see him again and that he will never get to meet my babies.  Our circle will never be the same again and I suppose I just thought it would all be waiting for me when my crazy life had calmed down.  He was popular, funny and one of a kind.  He would have made a really excellent teacher.  I wanted to tell him about a silly English TV series I have been watching, but now I can't.  It is so unfair and so hard to make sense of.

So in a way it has been a bit of a wake up call.  Yes, my life is hard but we are doing OK and it is only going to get better.  I just want everyone to know that I want you to share your problems and lives with me.  Even if it is via email or text or whatever.  I am here and I care! :)

Worried over nothing

I had a really bad day yesterday but all is well again.

Emilia, very suddenly, stopped pooing unassisted.  She was sick more than normal too and whilst we were feeding her kept crying whilst showing signs that she was hungry.  So I called the hospital and they said that we could bring her in and they could give her a laxitive.  We made the decision to wait until today to see how she got on.

So as all this was happening my appetite disappeared and I started to feel really weak and couldn't stop crying again.  I was so worried.  I had been looking after the twins, in the living room, for 14 hours without taking any kind of break; all the time wishing that Emilia would do a poo.  Jens was calm throughout and just kept reassuring me.  After making me some food (I could hardly eat any of it), he sent me off to bed for a 10 hour sleep and took on the night shift.

This morning, Emilia made up for lost poo and filled her nappy :)  Another insanely happy moment in this never ending saga.   She seems much calmer too and as I am typing this Eva and Emilia are snuggled up in bed having a lovely morning nap.

I feel refreshed, calm and ready to take on a new day with my beautiful twins and wonderful husband (who is also snuggled up in bed getting some well earned rest) :)

200g

Emilia has put on 200g since last Thursday and is now weighing in at 3220g :) :) :) :)

Eva is 4240g :)

We got them weighed at our local medical centre which made a refreshing change to going to the hospital.  We are a healthy family! HOORAY!

Decision made

I have made the decision to stop breastfeeding.  I woke up 2 nights ago with really bad pain again in my left breast and since then I have been so worried that I am going to develop mastitis again.  I saw a Dr yesterday who gave me a nose spray that is supposed to help empty your breasts.  It does not seem to be working.  The problem I have is that neither Eva or Emilia suck really hard and I no longer respond to the pump.  I have really have been fighting a losing battle that is now ending.  My decision feels right and so now I have to find out how to stop the little bit of milk that I do have from clogging up and making me sick again.  Getting ill again is not an option!

We were at the hospital on Monday for check-ups.  Eva is almost 4kg! and Emilia almost 3kg!  Both had put weight on which is great news.  I told the Dr about Emilia's episodes of where she sounds like she is in real pain and she told us of a way we can help her poo.  It seems to be helping.  We also found out that she needs to wear a hip brace  for 6 weeks and when the nurse put it on her I just broke down.  It all just feels never ending for little Emlia.  I have had a day to get used to it and she does not seem to be affected by it and it may even make her feel a bit more secure.  She feels a bit more sturdy too when we hold her.  Changing her nappy is a bit of a pain but as always we just have to suck it up and get on with it.

The good news is that we have been able to dramatically reduce the amount of oxygen Emilia needs :)  There is still hope for a fire on Christmas Day ;) Eva has now been oxygen free for the last few days.

Jens as always is just wonderful (I spent most of the day in tears yesterday and he looked after me) as are his parents who are coming over tonight to help out whilst Jens goes and picks up a sofa bed and we take our cats to the vets.  They are always making food for us and even went shopping for us at the weekend. Mandy is doing the night shift on Saturday too :)  All the help we can get at the moment is appreciated.

Complete

In spite of all the emotions I am feeling and the stress surrounding our new situation, I also feel complete now that Emilia is at home.  After I felt really sad at the hospital I was given the option of leaving her for a night and my first thought was one of relief and I nearly did it.  But then I thought of Emilia and how much better she has it at home than in the hospital.  How much better we can love her and comfort her.  I want to take care of her and I feel incredible joy when I am doing it.  Even all the work doesn't feel like hard work because I know with every feed that Emilia will put weight on and with every cuddle that she feels calmer which helps her little body to heal and grow.

I love my babies more than anything in the world and I am determined to work through all of my emotional issues to give them the best life possible :)!

Family at home

We have just survived the fourth night of being full time parents of twins.  Both girls are doing well and we are doing as well as can be expected.  We take turns caring for them during the night and only get the other one up if they both need us at the same time (which happened at 5 o'clock this morning!).  To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement!

So we arrived home on Tuesday afternoon after a super stressful day at the hospital.  Emilia and Eva had their ears tested just before we left and they were unable to test one of Emilia's ears as the ear hole was too small.  So we now have to take her for another hospital visit in 2 weeks :(  Eva got the all clear.  When I took Emilia back to be fed it was way past her feeding time and so both me and her were really stressed.  Then the nurses started giving me lots of instructions whilst I was breastfeeding and everything felt too much.  When Jens got back with Eva I started crying tears of frustration and just felt like my head was about to explode.

Then we went down to the car (it was raining of course!), got Emilia settled in the car seat and tried to put Eva in only to find out the straps were too short and we had no idea how to lengthen them.  Luckily a nurse was helping us and we got that sorted.  During all of this me and Jens were hungry too :(  When we finally got home, Emilia just wouldn't stop crying and was so frustrated that she wouldn't take my breast. We had no formula prepared and at this time were only feeding her via her tube and so it takes time for her to feel full.  Jens fed Eva who kept being sick and so he was unable to put her down.  Within half an hour I had begged Jens to call his Mum and Dad to come and help us!

Looking back it all seems quite comical!  At one point Eva, Emilia and me were all crying with Jens running around trying to sort everything.  The feeling of being overwhelmed was just so strong and at this point I felt sick and just kept thinking; How are we going to cope? and what have we done?

But like I said, 4 nights on and my nervous breakdown hasn't happened yet although I did have an extremely emotional experience at the hospital when I took Emilia in for her check.  After I had taken the card and chocolates up to the neonatal ward I had to go and cry really hard in the toilet (Emilia was on the ward having her siesta).  Then I went for lunch and had no appetite and had to call Jens and cry down the phone.  I felt so terrible.  Then I went to the psychologist to make an appointment and everything just came out.  I started hyperventilating and felt dizzy and just couldn't stop crying.  She was lovely and apparently this reaction is completely normal and I am going to see her on a regular basis again for a while.

I then had a long talk with Emilia's Dr who is so lovely and we decided that we are now giving her bottles and my breast when I feel like it.  This way when she is hungry she gets direct relief and we cut down on her stress.  She is still pooing too much and so we need to feed her every 3 hours and give her a water supplement between feeds during the day.  For the most part we are managing to keep her calm; it really us operation "fatten up Emilia" in our house.  I want her to be healthy and strong more than anything.

Eva is still doing really well :)  My arms are starting to ache when I hold her, which exaggerates even more how little Emilia is.  We feel like we are going to break her.

Jens is a wonderful Dad and an excellent support for me.  He tells me constantly that we can handle this and that everything is going to be OK.