Peace

I attended my friends funeral yesterday and it has left me in a state of peace and appreciation.  I still cannot get over the fact that I will never see John again, I liked him so much and it is such a waste of a truly wonderful life.  Seeing so many people devastated really hit home how important family and friends are and how we never really know the extent to which we influence others.  Would John have done the same thing if he had known how special and loved he was?

Me, Jens and our friends and family have spent the last five months fighting for the lives of Emilia and Eva.  I live for my babies and would do anything for them.  It is easily the toughest job I have ever had (and I have had a lot!) but as a parent you fight for the lives of your children.  In a way you put on hold your own life for theirs.  I cannot imagine how his parents must feel and I am so sad for them and for his sister.  I hope they can all find the strength to get through this.

So on Thursday when I pick up my sister who I haven't seen in a year she is going to get the biggest hug ever, as are my Mum and Dad.  I have a new found respect for them as Í now know how hard they worked to raise me and love me.  I am so lucky :)

Oxygen

Emilia has been without extra oxygen for the last two hours :)

Best christmas present

I got the best crimbo present yesterday, Emilia had her best day yet.  She ate well all day/night and hardly cried at all.  She took her first bath without crying too :)  Hooray.

We shared a lovely, cosy Christmas Eva with Farfar and Farmor Lindqvist.  Emilia and Eva seemed really at home in their Granparents' apartment.  They both got a gold heart necklace with their names engraved on one side and their date of birth on the other.  They are such beautiful and thoughtful gifts that they can treasure forever.

Merry Christmas everyone and thank you so much for all your support!

Update

Emilia had her eyes checked yesterday and has been given the all clear :)  Meaning that both laser eye operations were successful.  Emilia and Eva will have a routine check in a couple of months.

As expected, Emilia had barely put on any weight.  She is now 3495, meaning she had only put on 45g in three days :(.  The Nurse thought it was good that her tube was gone and gave us the option of fixing a new one.  We have decided against it and are going to give Emilia a chance to get used to feeding around the clock from a bottle.  It is really frustrating for both her and us, but the feeding tube is only a temporary solution anyway - she has to learn!  I know that she can do it and just needs a bit more time.  Ideally she needs to eat 500ml over a 24hr period and after her next feed she will have reached that goal :) She does seem a lot calmer and she is being sick less.  We will weigh her again next Wednesday so fingers crossed.

Feeding tube

We may have taken away Emilia's feeding tube too soon :(  She is not eating her full amount of food from a bottle and is being sick much more than normal.  We are going to the hospital tommorow for her to be weighed and checked, back on the neonatal ward so we will see what they say.  I really thought she would be able to handle it, but she is so tired and it takes her forever to drink from her bottle and then she is sick :(  Boo hoo.

3450g

Emilia weighs 3450g, meaning she has put on 230g in a week :)  We asked our Nurse, who came on a home visit, to remove Emilia's feeding tube.  I hope this is the right decision and that she will still put on weight.  It does mean we will have to work harder but it is worth it.  She just ate 80ml from a bottle so is right on track :)  I love her so much and seeing her pretty little face without a tube going into her nose is the best christmas present ever.  So, now we just have her oxygen and hip brace left :)  On the 16th Jan we will take Emilia in to have her hips checked.  Jens is convinced that on this date she will be free from extra oxygen and her hip brace and will be ready to live her life like any other baby :)

Eva had also put on weight and is now 4340g.  She is thriving.

Me and Jens are feeling really happy!  Our little cubs are sleeping soundly and our christmas tree is shining in the corner.  I am literally bursting with joy :)

Emilia, free from her feeding tube and nasal cannula:

Eva ready for a winter walk!

Hard to make sense of

Emilia seems to be doing a little better, although it is still up and down and sometimes it is clear that she is pain.  It is heartbreaking for me to watch but I am trying to just take it day by day.  On Tuesday she will have been at home for 3 weeks!  I cannot really say the time has gone fast and all the days seem to just merge into each other but it does feel like we are getting there.  We are managing to get some order in our house and I even did the ironing the other day which has been waving at me for about 2 months :)!

Eva is a little star!  She is still eating and sleeping really well. She is a strong little one.  She can hold her head up and is the cuddliest little munchkin.  We sat them face to face last night on Jens knee, haha, it was very very cute.

It is safe to say that me, Jens, Emilia and Eva are living in a bubble.  There is so much to do and time between feeds seems to fly by so fast that it is easy to forget about the lives of friends and family.  Two days ago my little family bubble was burst when I recevied the heartbreaking news that a guy I study with has taken his own life.  John Berg was a friend of mine and a part of my circle of friends in Borås.  I remember him consoling me when I felt anxious about being pregnant and just seeing him lit up my day.  I am so gutted that I will never see him again and that he will never get to meet my babies.  Our circle will never be the same again and I suppose I just thought it would all be waiting for me when my crazy life had calmed down.  He was popular, funny and one of a kind.  He would have made a really excellent teacher.  I wanted to tell him about a silly English TV series I have been watching, but now I can't.  It is so unfair and so hard to make sense of.

So in a way it has been a bit of a wake up call.  Yes, my life is hard but we are doing OK and it is only going to get better.  I just want everyone to know that I want you to share your problems and lives with me.  Even if it is via email or text or whatever.  I am here and I care! :)

Worried over nothing

I had a really bad day yesterday but all is well again.

Emilia, very suddenly, stopped pooing unassisted.  She was sick more than normal too and whilst we were feeding her kept crying whilst showing signs that she was hungry.  So I called the hospital and they said that we could bring her in and they could give her a laxitive.  We made the decision to wait until today to see how she got on.

So as all this was happening my appetite disappeared and I started to feel really weak and couldn't stop crying again.  I was so worried.  I had been looking after the twins, in the living room, for 14 hours without taking any kind of break; all the time wishing that Emilia would do a poo.  Jens was calm throughout and just kept reassuring me.  After making me some food (I could hardly eat any of it), he sent me off to bed for a 10 hour sleep and took on the night shift.

This morning, Emilia made up for lost poo and filled her nappy :)  Another insanely happy moment in this never ending saga.   She seems much calmer too and as I am typing this Eva and Emilia are snuggled up in bed having a lovely morning nap.

I feel refreshed, calm and ready to take on a new day with my beautiful twins and wonderful husband (who is also snuggled up in bed getting some well earned rest) :)

200g

Emilia has put on 200g since last Thursday and is now weighing in at 3220g :) :) :) :)

Eva is 4240g :)

We got them weighed at our local medical centre which made a refreshing change to going to the hospital.  We are a healthy family! HOORAY!

Decision made

I have made the decision to stop breastfeeding.  I woke up 2 nights ago with really bad pain again in my left breast and since then I have been so worried that I am going to develop mastitis again.  I saw a Dr yesterday who gave me a nose spray that is supposed to help empty your breasts.  It does not seem to be working.  The problem I have is that neither Eva or Emilia suck really hard and I no longer respond to the pump.  I have really have been fighting a losing battle that is now ending.  My decision feels right and so now I have to find out how to stop the little bit of milk that I do have from clogging up and making me sick again.  Getting ill again is not an option!

We were at the hospital on Monday for check-ups.  Eva is almost 4kg! and Emilia almost 3kg!  Both had put weight on which is great news.  I told the Dr about Emilia's episodes of where she sounds like she is in real pain and she told us of a way we can help her poo.  It seems to be helping.  We also found out that she needs to wear a hip brace  for 6 weeks and when the nurse put it on her I just broke down.  It all just feels never ending for little Emlia.  I have had a day to get used to it and she does not seem to be affected by it and it may even make her feel a bit more secure.  She feels a bit more sturdy too when we hold her.  Changing her nappy is a bit of a pain but as always we just have to suck it up and get on with it.

The good news is that we have been able to dramatically reduce the amount of oxygen Emilia needs :)  There is still hope for a fire on Christmas Day ;) Eva has now been oxygen free for the last few days.

Jens as always is just wonderful (I spent most of the day in tears yesterday and he looked after me) as are his parents who are coming over tonight to help out whilst Jens goes and picks up a sofa bed and we take our cats to the vets.  They are always making food for us and even went shopping for us at the weekend. Mandy is doing the night shift on Saturday too :)  All the help we can get at the moment is appreciated.

Complete

In spite of all the emotions I am feeling and the stress surrounding our new situation, I also feel complete now that Emilia is at home.  After I felt really sad at the hospital I was given the option of leaving her for a night and my first thought was one of relief and I nearly did it.  But then I thought of Emilia and how much better she has it at home than in the hospital.  How much better we can love her and comfort her.  I want to take care of her and I feel incredible joy when I am doing it.  Even all the work doesn't feel like hard work because I know with every feed that Emilia will put weight on and with every cuddle that she feels calmer which helps her little body to heal and grow.

I love my babies more than anything in the world and I am determined to work through all of my emotional issues to give them the best life possible :)!

Family at home

We have just survived the fourth night of being full time parents of twins.  Both girls are doing well and we are doing as well as can be expected.  We take turns caring for them during the night and only get the other one up if they both need us at the same time (which happened at 5 o'clock this morning!).  To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement!

So we arrived home on Tuesday afternoon after a super stressful day at the hospital.  Emilia and Eva had their ears tested just before we left and they were unable to test one of Emilia's ears as the ear hole was too small.  So we now have to take her for another hospital visit in 2 weeks :(  Eva got the all clear.  When I took Emilia back to be fed it was way past her feeding time and so both me and her were really stressed.  Then the nurses started giving me lots of instructions whilst I was breastfeeding and everything felt too much.  When Jens got back with Eva I started crying tears of frustration and just felt like my head was about to explode.

Then we went down to the car (it was raining of course!), got Emilia settled in the car seat and tried to put Eva in only to find out the straps were too short and we had no idea how to lengthen them.  Luckily a nurse was helping us and we got that sorted.  During all of this me and Jens were hungry too :(  When we finally got home, Emilia just wouldn't stop crying and was so frustrated that she wouldn't take my breast. We had no formula prepared and at this time were only feeding her via her tube and so it takes time for her to feel full.  Jens fed Eva who kept being sick and so he was unable to put her down.  Within half an hour I had begged Jens to call his Mum and Dad to come and help us!

Looking back it all seems quite comical!  At one point Eva, Emilia and me were all crying with Jens running around trying to sort everything.  The feeling of being overwhelmed was just so strong and at this point I felt sick and just kept thinking; How are we going to cope? and what have we done?

But like I said, 4 nights on and my nervous breakdown hasn't happened yet although I did have an extremely emotional experience at the hospital when I took Emilia in for her check.  After I had taken the card and chocolates up to the neonatal ward I had to go and cry really hard in the toilet (Emilia was on the ward having her siesta).  Then I went for lunch and had no appetite and had to call Jens and cry down the phone.  I felt so terrible.  Then I went to the psychologist to make an appointment and everything just came out.  I started hyperventilating and felt dizzy and just couldn't stop crying.  She was lovely and apparently this reaction is completely normal and I am going to see her on a regular basis again for a while.

I then had a long talk with Emilia's Dr who is so lovely and we decided that we are now giving her bottles and my breast when I feel like it.  This way when she is hungry she gets direct relief and we cut down on her stress.  She is still pooing too much and so we need to feed her every 3 hours and give her a water supplement between feeds during the day.  For the most part we are managing to keep her calm; it really us operation "fatten up Emilia" in our house.  I want her to be healthy and strong more than anything.

Eva is still doing really well :)  My arms are starting to ache when I hold her, which exaggerates even more how little Emilia is.  We feel like we are going to break her.

Jens is a wonderful Dad and an excellent support for me.  He tells me constantly that we can handle this and that everything is going to be OK.

My thankyou letter

As Emilia is about to come home, it seems only right that I make the thankyou card that I have been planning to give to the neonatal unit.  I want to keep a record of what I write to them and thought I would share it with everyone here too.  It really feels like all the bad things are finally ending; here is my closure:

I have written this thankyou card over and over in my head.  I am not sure that words can do justice to something this big, but I will try; I want you all to know how I feel.


On the 27th July my two angels came into this world.  My first thought was one of relief as the labour was so painful but I don't think a day has passed where I haven't wished that Emilia and Eva could still be inside me, protected and able to grow.


We were then thrust into a world of incubators, CRP values and lots of stressful plinging.  I have seen both of my babies stop breathing and turn blue, witnessed a sepsis infection where Emilia nearly died and been woken repeatedly in the night to be told a respirator was needed (yet again!)..... the list goes on and these horrors still haunt me.


Eva has been home now for over three weeks and she is thriving.  But for the small amount of oxygen she occasionally needs, you would never know she was premature.  She is perfect.


Emilia is about to come home on a 24 hour trial :), is now eating all the food she requires and is back to her wonderful, beautiful little self.  It is a miracle that she has survived all she has.  She is a blessing and a fighter and I am sure that greatness awaits for my princess.


This happy ending is down to the amazing team that got my babies through this.

• Thank you to the nurses and doctors who dared to give us hope when everything felt hopeless.
• Thank you for every time you put a needle in my babies, essentially saving their lives.  Each time I wanted to scream "stop" but you did what you needed to do.
• Thank you to the nurses who not only cared for my babies but who also gave them love.  So many of you go that extra mile and it means so much.
• Thank you for putting up with my questions that I knew could not be answered.
• Thank you to those of you who checked in on us, even when Emilia and Eva weren't in your care.  I am sure that they miss so many of you.
• Thank you for letting us use the green chairs for as long as we did ;)
• Thank you to all the doctors for keeping us constantly updated, we know how busy you all are.
• Thank you for making the toughest time of our lives bearable and at times enjoyable.
• Thank you for saving our babies.

So now it is down to us to carry on the good work that you started.  We are so excited about being able to start out life together as a family.  Thanks for everything :)


Jens, Paula, Eva and Emilia (aka Pling och Plong ;))

Emilia is coming home

Emilia is coming home tomorrow on a 24 hour trial :)

I meant to write the blog last night as two very exciting things happened yesterday.  The first thing was that Emilia breastfed 50 ml!  Which is a record and 40 ml came from my weaker breast, the one I hardly ever get any milk out of.  Which goes to show that pumping milk is totally rubbish.  The only problem is that as she is so little and still quite weak, she doesn't have the strength to suck so good every time.  We are going to keep her feeding tube in place until the breastfeeding gets even stronger.

The second good thing was that as Emilia is now eating 60 ml of food, she no longer needs her drip and so they were able to remove the last needle (which was in her head)!  Meaning that she is totally free and only has oxygen and her feeding tube.  I cried tears of joy and relief while holding her close to me.  The feeling was so so strong and overwhelming that it is difficult to describe (I think the nurses were quite surprised by the strength of my reaction).  We have seen so many needles put into her and seen her unable to move her hands and feet properly.  It never got any easier.  But now that is all behind us and it feels amazing.

The past is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift - that is why it is called the present!

We have spent the last three weeks loving Eva at home (who slept well for the first time in her bed) and tomorrow Emilia will get the same treatment; I cannot wait!  I have always said that I cannot imagine how it will be to have both of my baby girls home and to be honest the anticipation of the unknown makes it even more exciting.  I know it is going to be hard work but I hope all these experiences we have had so far are going to help us enjoy every minute even more, even during the tough times.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason?!

Thank you

Thanks to all the lovely words of encouragement from so many people about my breastfeeding efforts and the whole "formula" issue.  I know I need to sort my head out and stop focusing so much on it.  Emilia breastfed three times today, the first and last times went ok but the second time she only ate 5 ml.  It is hard to not feel disappointed when she has been feeding for 20 minutes and what she is doing feels right.  I promise I will try to just let it go and focus on all the good!

Emilia is doing great :)  She is still pooing a little bit too much, but they are going to give her the extra nutrients and liquids she needs via her feeding tube; meaning that soon she is going to be free of all needles into her body thus reducing the risk of infection.  She gets upset when she is hungry but apart from that she is super calm and back to her normal self.

Maybe this time next week we will all be home together :)

Day at home

Jens headed off this morning to spend the day with Emilia and so I get to be at home with little Eva :)

Yesterday they increased Emilia's food to 60 ml, which means she is now getting all the food she needs.  Unfortunately though she still needs to be on the drip as she is pooing too much, meaning she is not getting all the nutrients she requires.  I have not had an update from Jens yet so I don't know how she got on in the night, but the Dr told us yesterday that we are looking at 1 -2 weeks until she will be able to come home :)  There is light at the end of our insanely long tunnel.

Eva had her weekly check-up yesterday and she weighed in at 3535 g!  The nurse was happy with her progress.

I am still struggling to come to terms with my dwindling milk supply :(  It feels so unfair.  I just spent some time reading about formula on the internet and really wish I hadn't.  You would think I was giving my babies poison!  I understand the need to promote breastmilk but at what cost? Do these people not understand that there are extreme situations where formula is the only option.

I just cannot shake the feeling that I have failed my babies yet again.  Emilia is now getting about 15 ml of my milk each feed and 45 ml formula :(.  I am spending so much time pumping and hand milking (my right breast no longer responds to the pump) that I am so close to just giving up - and giving up is so alien to me.  I never really minded pumping when I got a decent amount of milk, after every pump I felt like I had achieved something.  Now each time I just feel defeated.

Update

So I have just said my goodbyes to my Mum and Dad and I am sitting on the sofa with Eva beside me in her Winnie the Pooh baby chair.  I have just fed her and she is enjoying looking around and wiggling her little podgy body.  She is 3,5kg and apart from the very small amount of extra oxygen she needs, you would never know that she was born 16 weeks early.  She is perfect.

We have spent the day at the hospital with Emilia, who is progressing really well.  They are gradually increasing her food intake and she has gone from 2 ml upto 35 ml.  She needs to get upto 60 ml for them to be able to take away her drip; something we are looking forward to as it minimises the risk of infection.  She has had lots of cuddles from her Grandparents today and got to have a siesta with Eva after she tried to feed on her face!  They are so cute together.

Even though the ward is small, we are very happy with where Emilia is and the care she is getting.  Luckily there has only been one other baby in the room all weekend, although that baby has severe breathing difficulties and cries a lot; it is heartbreaking to hear.  I am longing for the day when we don't need to go to the hospital.

This is a blog about Emilia and Eva so I will try to keep my ramblings to a minimum about myself, but the past three weeks have been three of the toughest weeks of my life.  My mastitis did not resolve itself and I was put on antibiotics.  The pain in my left breast was so intense that I was on full dose of ibuprofen and paracetamol but I was still feeling pain with flu like symptoms.  In the end they had to put a drain in my left breast and suck the puss out of the right one. It hurt like hell and my milk supply is pathetic.  Emilia is now getting 50% breastmillk, 50% formula, which I hate, but there is nothing I can do about it.  Due to the overwhelming nature of everything and me being so ill I have also felt extremely depressed.  I don't think I have ever needed my Mum as much as I did this past week.  She has literally done everything for me, enabling me to focus on Eva and cope with the tough situation Emila is in; she is an angel and I am so thankful.

But I feel a lot better today and more able to cope with everything (a big relief for my Mum!).  My breasts seem to be on the mend and Eva is living proof that formula is ok.  It's not how I want it to be, but then none of this has was part of my plan.  It is easier said than done, but I am going to try and relax more.  I know it was stress that caused my breast infection and I refuse to let that happen again.  So with Eva in my arms, I am now going to get cuddled up on the sofa and have a little nap with my beautiful baby girl.

Update

Emilia moved to the surgical ward yesterday where they will gradually increase her food intake.  This is a very positive step for her but we still have no idea how long it will be before she comes home.

I got a bit of a shock as the new room is really small and shared with 3 other families :(  But we just have to suck it up and get on with it and just do everything we can to help Emilia get through this.  She is now eating 10ml per feed and they let her suck on me; she took 20ml in about 4 minutes!  So the next breastfeeding session is going to have to wait until she is used to eating larger amounts.  I really need her to suck the mastitis out of me as Eva is still not sucking well.  Sometimes she does ok, but most of the time it just tickles.

I started taking antibiotics 5 days ago and have been very ill and depressed over the weekend.  I am still in a lot of pain and have to take ibuprofen, but I no longer have a fever.  I am seeing the Dr again tomorrow.  Luckily my Mum flew out last Friday to help us and to be honest I don't know what I would have done without her.  Just coping with a new baby at home is tough, add a flu like fever, excruciating breast pain and another new born in intensive care and it is hard not to feel completely overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless.

But I have got through it and feel a lot better today.  As Eva was awake for a large part of the night she is now sleeping like a little princess in her carry cot on the sofa and I just napped with my head snuggled into hers.  For the most part she is no trouble at all and is very relaxed with us at home.  Even when we have to take her to the hospital she just sleeps and lets us give our attention to Emilia.

 

Update

Emilia is no longer on the respirator and is back on the nasal canula.  With a little bit of help from one of the Nurses she did her first poo just before we left the hospital.  She was really awake and less swollen than she was on Monday.  We met up with her surgeon this afternoon and she is happy with Emilia's progress, so things are looking up.

We lay Eva next to her so that they could have some sister cuddling time; they held hands straight away and Emilia's saturation shot up to 100 (the hightest it can be).  I even asked if Eva could spend the night with Emilia but they said no :(  I hate the fact that the weakest one in our family is all alone, it seems so unjust.  But it is just a matter of time until Emilia will be moved to the surgical ward and then hopefully we will get our own room and can all be together.

I met the lactation consultent who thought we should pipette milk into the nipple sheild when Eva is feeding, as a means to stimulate her sucking.  I do feel a lot better as she has told me that I don't need to pump after every feed and she showed me how to hand milk myself, which is a much more effective way of getting the higher fat content milk out.  She also believed that one of my very sore, red lumps needs to be sucked out with a needle.  I am meeting with the Dr tomorrow and hopefully it will get sorted once and for all.

Eva had her first week at home check-up today and they were very happy with her progress!  She now weighs 3015kg and is 40,5cm long.  Emilia is being weighed tomorrow.

Update

Emilia is still recovering after her operation, she is stable and still on the respirator.  When they opened her up to operate they found bacteria in her stomach so she is being treated with more antibiotics.  Me and Jens have been taking it in turns to go and visit her, enabling Eva to get settled in at home.

It is really lovely to have Eva at home, but it is so hard for me to relax as I am so worried about Emilia.  When I visited her on Sunday I got really upset when I saw her as she was so swollen and looked the same as she did when she had the life threatening sepsis infection.  The nurses have assured me that her reaction to the surgery is normal and they are not worried.  I have been able to get some comfort from their words.  I think we are both just overwhelmed.

I am still struggling with painful lumps in my breasts too and unfortunately my milk is still not flowing :(  So sometimes we have to give Eva formula. She is not sucking as she should either so I am meeting with a lactation consultant on Thursday morning.  I met with a Dr on Monday who did an ultrasound on my breasts and didn't find any infection so I just need to take ibuprofen to bring down the swelling.  To be honest I don't really feel 100% well, which just makes everything so much harder.

Update

Emilia's operation went well!  No more poo bag :)  We have left her stable at the hospital in the healing hands of the wonderful nurses.

As I am typing this, little Eva is in the basements with Jens.  We brought her home about 2 hours ago and it feels fantastic.  To mark the occassion, Eva had an excellent breastfeeding session with me on the sofa.

I am feeling pretty exhausted and it all feels like a bit of a dream, but knowing that Eva will always be with us is such a comfort.

Update

So where do I start?  It has been 5 days since I last wrote anything and so many things have haopened.  For those of you who just want a quick update; the girls are doing really well and hit the 38 week mark today :)  Eva had her eye operation today and it went well.  She came off her respirator in the operating theater and is now back on the nasal cannula with a small amount of oxygen.  Emilia is scheduled to have her intestine re-attached on Friday :)  I nearly burst into tears when our Dr told us the news; we have been hoping for this for so long.  Unfortunately she has been given an emergency operating time so if a more serious case comes in, then the surgery will have to be postponed.  Fingers crossed all goes to plan.

So there are two reasons why I haven't updated the blog; the first is lack of internet at the hospital and the second is that I have had mastitis (mjölkstocking) for the last 4 days.  I had a high fever (it is as bad as having the flu) and extreme pain in both of my breasts, it really is a horrible thing to get! We were also told on Friday that we are now expected to be at the hospital 24/7 and that if we needed to run errands then one of us must be there to care for our babies.  So we knew that the gourmet restaurant experience was going to be our last real night of freedom, so of course I started feeling weird halfway through the dinner with excrutiating pain in my left breast.  We had planned to sleep at the hospital with Eva after the restaurant but I felt so bad that I just couldn't face it.

I called the hospital Saturday morning and was told that our babies needed us even though I was ill and so we went to the hospital.  How we got through the last few days is beyond my comprehension.  Jens had to do everything for all three of us, while I just stepped up for breastfeeding and baby snuggles.  

Unfortunately I am still not producing enough milk to feed Eva and Emilia :(  Everybody tells me not to be stressed about it and that it is most likely stress that caused the mastitis.  I have pumped for the last three months with this as my goal.  When, after Eva has been sucking for 45 minutes she is still showing me she is hungry it is hard not to be stressed.  Plus she is so little that she doesn't have the energy to suck as long as she wants to.  We have been forced to give her formula after her breastfeeding attempts and prioritise Emilia with my breast milk.

So we have just spent our last night at home, just the two of us.  Eva has been given the time she needs to rest after her operation and she willl sleep with us tonight.  I have just had a really good nights sleep and feel like myself again.  Eva is ready to come home, so there is a big chance that on Friday night my little Eva will get to sleep in her own bed for the first time and meet Whiskey.  It is hard for us to imagine her being here, it is hard to comprehend that we have made it this far.

But most of my thoughts are with Emilia, my beautiful little fighter who has been through more in the first 14 weeks of her life than most are faced with in a lifetime.  So everyone get praying, hoping and wishing that Emilia's tough journey has the happy ending it deserves.  

Update

I ended up sleeping at home last night as it all got too much.  So after a good 10 hours sleep I feel like myself again.  I managed 5 nights in a row so gave it my best shot, but I think it is going to have to be every other night in the future.

Eva has been having long periods without extra oxygen :)  Plus she is managing to maintain her oxygen saturation when she feeds from a bottle.  They checked her eyes yesterday and she is still borderline as to whether or not she needs the laser treatment.  She will be checked again on Monday.  We still don't know when she will come home, but hopefully it will be soon.

Emilia is getting stronger and stronger for every day that passes.  She is still not herself and is frowning a lot, but she is getting the pained look on her face less frequently.  Her eyes were also checked yesterday and one of them looked good but the other one may be problematic which could lead to a second laser operation :(  They will be checking again on Monday.  She is still getting quite a lot of extra oxygen but we are sure that her lungs just need time to heal.

So our plan for the day is to go to the hospital for their 12 o'clock feed and then stay until around 16.00.  We are then being treated to a dinner in a fine restaurant to celebrate Jens' Mums 60th birthday (it will be nice to get dressed up for once :)).  Then we will be back at the hospital for 21.00 and then stay the night making sure Eva and Emilia get to experience the yummy food, fresh from the breast!

Oh and Emilia and Eva were very happy to hear that their Greatgrandparents have been reading about them  from Spain :)

Update

We have spent the last three nights at the hospital with Eva sleeping in the same room :)  The first night was a bit of a challenge as my body is not used to producing milk in the night.  So Eva was sucking and sucking and still hungry.  In the end I got her a bottle of my milk and then she slept like a log :)  I have started pumping my other breast whilst she feeds which Jens then gives to her afterwards.  So we really are both in this together and he is such a great Dad :)

The first two nights she had a bit of trouble swallowing and breathing at the same time with the bottle but now we  are using a bottle with a smaller hole and it is much better.  She had a quite a severe saturation dip yesterday morning so we are staying there again tonight.  We still don't know which day she will come home; as always we just need to take each day as it comes and Eva is going to let us know when she is ready :)

I am going to try to keep my gushing about my baby to a mimimum, but I need to write about how lovely she is.  She has started to cry a little bit, but only when she is hungry. Ususally though she just lies in her bed sucking on her podgy hands and sticking out her tongue to show us what she needs.  As soon as she is satisfied she is so peaceful and calm.  We have to wake her up to feed her as she loves to sleep.  Taking care of her feels so natural and easy, I just hope now that my milk starts flowing soon so that I can satisfy her without needing to use bottles.

Emilia looked much better this morning.  She was able to come into our room yesterday evening and night and snuggle up with Eva (which is the cutest thing ever - oops, gushing again!). Her eyes are still swollen from the operation but she seems to be much calmer.  As always, we are trying to spend as much time with her as we can.

We are having a talk with the Dr this afternoon.  Eva had her eyes checked again on Monday and they need to look again on Thursday; so she may still need to have the laser operation.  We are not sure when Emilila will move to the surgical ward but hopefully we will find that out today.



 

Update

Unfortunately we couldn't sleep at the hospital last night :(  Eva had about four episodes during the afternoon and evening where she stopped breathing.  She didn't need to be ventilated and managed to fix it each time herself but the Dr felt that it wasn't worth the risk and neither did we!  One of the early signs of an infection is a change in breathing patterns so she was tested yesterday afternoon and once in the night.  The afternoon test was negative and I don't know about the night test.  But I do know that she breathed her way through the night so fingers crossed it was nothing serious.

A similar thing happened when my Mum was with us;  she was sick and then swallowed it again and then she dipped in her oxygen saturation.  As always I have a theory!  I think it is all connected with her breastfeeding and not being fed via her feeding tube. Over the past few days she has undergone some major changes. I ran it by the Dr who though it was possible (but not likely, haha!).  The good news is that they are keeping a close eye on her and she is the picture of health with her little chubby legs and rosy cheeks.

Grandma Lindqvist got to have cuddles with her yesterday :)

My heart was literally ripped open and stamped upon yesterday when I had to watch my beautiful Emilia recovering from her eye operation.  Her eyes are really swollen with puss coming out of them and she kept getting a pained look on her face.  The problem is that she still doesn't cry.  Her oxygen saturation remained stable, stopping the nurses from knowing that she needed help.  So she was just lying there literally writhing in pain.  They upped her pain medication after I kept telling them about it.

We ended up staying at the hospital last night until 23.00 just holding her and stroking her little head.  It is a lovely feeling knowing that we can calm her. She properly breastfed last night for the first time too, so it isn't all doom and gloom.

I just want it all to stop! When my little girl gets home she is going to have the most beautiful, warm, safe and loving life possible, that will hopefully make up for all this!

So today is a new day!  Like yesterday we will be going to the hospital armed with our cooler box and overnight bag in the hope that our little Eva can party with us tonight :)

Breastfeeding day :)

Eva breastfed four times yesterday :)  The first time she took 50 ml  and then because she is so clever and seems to have mastered the art she is being left to her own devices and will be weighed daily to check that she is getting what she needs.  So when I am there she will just feed from me :)  I worked out before that I have pumped approximately 350 times so all my dedication has now paid off.  Emilia's food intake is still being closely monitered so for now I cannot breastfeed her.

So we are now treating Eva like any new born baby.  We are expected to be there much more so her breastfeeding can become established and then her feeding tube can be removed.  We are sleeping at the hospital on Friday and then I can feed her through the night.  Oxygen and a breathing monitor have been ordered and all being well, she should be coming home next week :)  We picked up our car yesterday and will be taking their pram and bed home from Jens' Mum and Dad tonight so it is all go.  Everything feels a little bit daunting but I cannot wait to have my baby with me all the time.

Emilia is doing her best to fully fight off the infection.  She is going to be moved to the surgical ward after her eye operation and then hopefully her intestine will be re-attached.  When that happens she will get her own room and then me and Eva will stay over with her.  My baby girl is not going to be alone!  She sat cuddled up to her Grandma yesterday afternoon which gave her the chance to fully relax and get a good sleep.  She is a little angel and we are so proud of her.

Update

Emilia and Eva are back in the same bed.  Emilia has spent the last few days recovering after her operation and today she was back to her normal, very awake, little self :)

Both girls have been seeing the eye doctor for the last couple of weeks.  It is quite common for premature babies  to need a laser operation to make sure their eyes develop properly.  Unfortunately Emilia needs to have it :(, which will involve another dose of anaesthetic.  Eva's eyes have progressed and at the moment she doesn't need the treatment but that could change so they will be checking her every week.

Over the weekend I have spent a lot of time with Eva at my breast.  Although she is very interested, because she is still so young she ususally falls asleep after a few minutes of exploration.  Last night she was sick for the first time which is a sign that she is getting milk from me.  So today we weighed her before I breastfed her and then after and she had sucked 30ml!  How cool is that!  Nothing happened the second time but she is definitely moving in the right direction.

My Mum has been with me most of the time which has been lovely and a great support.  We are now able to book a room where we can be alone with Eva and start taking more responsibility. There have been a few stressful moments but for the most part we have handled it really well.  I feel like I am really getting to know my little Eva and it is lovely.

Eva's been on a journey!!

For the first time Eva has left her room, gone down the corridor and spent the evening with us and her Grandparents :) Grandma and Grandad Brown got to hold my little angel and she loved it as much as they did.  We are all sitting round the fire with a lovely warm glow, it is beautiful.

Emilia had a small operation today to set an entrance into her major vein.  This involved her having a general anaesthetic and now she is recovering on a respirator.  We have lit her candle and are all hoping that she is going to feel better soon.  

Update

We found out this morning that Emilia's infection value had increased again.  At the hospital yesterday she had to go back on cpap machine and looked really tired, so it did not come as too much of a shock.  They took another blood sample at 14.00 and the value has decreased again.  She was back on the nasal cannula and seemed much more like her normal self.   The culture has come back from the lab showing a type of bacteria in her blood that people usually don't react to.  She got the specific type of antibiotic needed to treat it today and she is still getting a broad spectrum of antibiotics.

An ultrasound of her entire body is scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been assured that they are keeping a very close eye on her and hopefully they will get to the bottom of this soon.

When we arrived this morning Eva was wearing a normal nasal cannula instead of the one that has pressure and moisture.  If she needs to have oxygen at home then this is the kind that she would wear.  She reacted extremely well to the change :)

So the last few days have left us with mixed feelings.  Eva's progress is fantastic and she is doing better than we ever could have expected, but all of our joy is clouded by the uncertainty surrounding baby Emilia.  Deep down though I know she is going to be ok.  Whether she needs to have another operation or if it is down to her body to adapt and repair then I know she will fix whatever needs fixing.

Jens' Mum and Dad have treated us to an overnight spa break in the city tomorrow, which is something we really need and appreciate (tusen tack Claes och Irene).  So we will be spending the morning cuddling our beautiful twins and the afternoon being massaged and pampered :), followed by a juicy steak and big glass of red wine.

Update

Emilia is doing much better and is back on the nasal cannula :)  When they took out the needle into her central vein she improved dramatically so they think that bacteria had grown on that.  They have taken a culture so we should get a definite answer at some point this week. 

Hopefully they will be back in the bed together soon, but for now Eva is enjoying being a princess in her king size bed!

Update

Since we left the hospital Emilia has improved.  She had more energy in the night and the nurses are not too worried about her.  We are going there this morning and will get more information.

Update

Emilia has got another infection so they are no longer in the same bed.  She went back on the cpap machine in the night and when they took the infection test her white blood count was low and her infection count higher than normal.  She has been really tired and cold all day. 

Just before we left she got blood platelets and she is back on full antibiotics.  She is still on the cpap machine with 53% oxygen.  

It does not seem to be as severe or as life threatening as her last infection, so fingers crossed it doesn't develop into something worse. 

Rainbow

We are all officially back under the rainbow and I don't just mean metaphorically speaking.  Here is a picture of the rainbow taken from the hospital window after Emilia and Eva were tucked up in bed, all cosy and close to each other.

They are so funny and cute together.  Emilia was really awake and kept grabbing onto Eva, who slept through everything.  She is totally unaffected by her little big sisters bedtime playing :)  It is hard to believe how different they are and that their personalities are so strong and defined at only week 34.

Seeing them together, under the rainbow, proves that this world is a wonderful place.  This is one of the happiest days of my life.

Week 34 :)

They were back in the bed and the little one said, "I missed you, I missed you!"

Yes, Emilia and Eva have been re-united :) We are so happy about it and now it feels a bit easier to leave them at the hospital as we know they are not alone.  They have reached the week 34 mark today as well, so it is a day to celebrate.  Eva weighed 2050g today!  Emilia had been given some medicine to make her urinate so we are a bit unsure about her weight but at a guess it is around 1650g.  She is still only getting 4ml of milk every 3 hours.  Everything is looking good but they are being extra cautious this time around and don't want to put too much pressure onto her system.

Eva has been wearing the nasal cannula since I last wrote about it but Emilia was back on the cpap last night.  Emilia has been given urination medicine as she has been retaining water.  This could be the reason for her getting tired away from the cpap.  She urinated a lot today so all being well she will be back on the cannula in no time.

Even though things are still going really well I have not had such a good day.  I suppose when there is no crisis situation it is easy to reflect about the day to day trivial things and start to feel frustrated.  I just want them home so bad, to a point where it physically aches inside me.  We worked out that we may have 42 days left and that really freaked me out.  Emilia still has a lot of wires and seeing her on the cpap feels like a step backwards and it looks so uncomfortable too.  Jens has spent the afternoon reassuring me and helping me to see all of the positives and now I feel a lot better.  I guess it is just to take one day at a time and try not to think of the future too much.

One last thing! I want to tell you all about where Emilia's name came from.  Emilia was one of many names we were considering.  Then we found out that Jens' Grandmas middle name was Emilia which made it more appealing.  The twins were born on the 27th July which was Märtha Emilia Byvald's birthday.  In the end it was an easy choice, fate made the decision for us!

Eva

Eva Toni Lindqvist is my calm in the storm :) During my pregnancy, twin 2, who lay across my stomach in top position was always my little Eva.  She is named after my Aunty Eva who was a very close family friend who passed away a few years ago.  We all miss her dearly.

Eva is Jens' mini me.  I didn't see it at first, but as she is growing she is looking more and more like him.  She likes to sleep, A LOT!  Preferably on her belly.  Eva moves her hands in a very graceful way and stretches her fingers out to the max so that they curl backwards.  When she wakes up, she likes to spend a few minutes stretching.  When I lie my head on her pillow she explores my face with her podgy little hands.  It is looking she is going to have blue eyes and her hair is strawberry blonde, she is so cute and beautiful.  Eva doesn't cry!  She is at her happiest when she is lying at my breast or snuggled into Jens' armpit (a place I rather enjoy myself!).

Eva was shocked into this world and it is hard to know what is worse.  To fight for your life or to be dragged out of your cosy bubble, completely unaware of what is going on and then adapt.  Her life journey has not been easy but things are looking very positive for my little Eva.  Tomorrow when they weigh her she will be over 2 kg :)  We are so proud of her :)  When Emilia was at her worst, I held Eva for hours just watching her screen and hoping.  She really helped me get through the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with.

Here is a picture of Eva stretching:

 

Emilia

I have woken up today thinking a lot about Emilia.  I have spent so much time writing about what has been wrong with her so now it is time to share all the beautiful things that are right with Emilia Cajsa Lindqvist.

Her light brown hair is soft like feathers.  She has lots of energy, which I think she gets from me and sometimes it feels like she has a hard time relaxing.  But when I sing to her and stroke her forehead and hair she becomes peaceful and calm. She likes sucking on her dummy and even holds onto it sometimes.  She doesn't cry!  Emilia is very curious about the world around her and her eyes are open wide a lot, much more than you would expect such a young baby to be awake.  She has got Jens' big beautiful eyes, but we think they are going to be the same colour as mine (green with a brown ring in the middle, just like my mummy's). Her face is beautiful like an angel.

Emilia saved my life and Eva's too.  Had she not set everything going in the beginning, then all three of us may have died.  So when I thought she wasn't going to make it everything felt so unjust.  She has fought to live so many times now and has been through so much already.  Emilia doesn't give up.  Now it is her time to be loved and to get the chance to see all the things that she is going to be so curious about;  Her cat Guinness, her Grandparents, her aunties, her cousins, all of our friends who already love her, her frog bedroom and pram, her rainforest baby gym, her home, mushrooms in the forest, flowers, the list is endless.  Like my poem said, there are so many things planned for her!

When Emilia got the infection Jens said to her, "all you need to do is fix this and we will fix the rest".  That is what we are going to do!

Here is a picture of Emilia:

Great weekend

We have had a lovely weekend with Eva and Emilia, they are both progressing so well. 

Poem

So we are back to the place where all is going so well and my babies are doing what all babies do; eating, sleeping, pooing and melting our hearts with every new facial expression or cute sound!  If the blog is not updated then you know that is what they are doing :)  I just thought I would share a poem that I wrote for Emilia after her second intestine operation.  It is hanging at the bottom of her bed.

I think about you all the time

You're in my heart and on my mind

Your little body so small and frail

Justice must prevail.

There are so many things planned for you

A magical cabin with a green canoe

A house in Marden, you'll be there too!

Our home is waiting for your smile

For you to hold your sister and think a while

To run and dance and joke and sing

It is going to be a special thing.

The fight is now, so bring it on!

For me and your Dad you've already shone

So keep it up our special girl

And soon we will see you laugh and twirl.

I wrote out the poem Cajsa read at our wedding for Eva, Morgon by Karin Boye.  It really is a beautiful poem too that sums up how I feel about my baby girls.

När morgonens sol genom rutan smyger,
glad och försiktig,
lik ett barn, som vill överraska
tidigt, tidigt en festlig dag --
då sträcker jag full av växande jubel
öppna famnen mot stundande dag --
ty dagen är du,
och ljuset är du,
solen är du,
och våren är du,
och hela det vackra, vackra,
väntande livet är du!

I will just translate the last part:

Because the day is you,

And the light is you,

The sun is you,

And the spring is you

And all of the beautiful, beautiful

Waiting life is you!

So on that lovely, poetic note I will go and pump some milk :) 

Update

They took the last x-ray this morning.  When we arrived the surgeon was with Emilia and he inserted 3 different widths of metal rods into the opening.  The x-ray had shown that there could be something blocking the opening, but the rods went in no problem and some poo came out.  The contrast liquid came into the bag this afternoon.  So they are now going to wait and observe.  She is getting 2ml of food every six hours and they are going to increase the amount gradually.  As it stands at the moment she doesn't need another operation but there is always a possibility that she will need one sometime in the future.  Her small intestine looks OK but not really good and they don't need to take any more pictures at the moment so we feel pretty satisfied with the outcome.

Emilia explored my breast for the first time today and she loved it!  We gave Eva another bath and she had a lovely time.  We left them both with good saturation levels, cosy and tucked up in bed :)

Update

Eva and Emilia had a good afternoon with us today.  Jens held Emilia and I held Eva, who had another try at breastfeeding.  She is so cute!

They took two more x-rays during the day and another one is scheduled for tomorrow morning, which means no food until then :(  Emilia is pooing into her bag and the doctors are happy with how her waste looks.  I hope they are just airing on the side of caution to get a clear picture of what is going on inside her. I am praying that it is nothing serious.  So far the surgeons have not been concerned about what they have seen.  Fingers crossed!

Eva almost weighs 1,8kg and does what she does best every day; eating, sleeping on her belly and pooing!  She is still getting help with her breathing on the cpap but sat out on me today with the nasal cannula (thanks Louise!) for 4,5 hours and did really well.

Things are moving in the right direction for our baby girls.  Only seven weeks to go, less if we are lucky :)
 

Update

I came home yesterday to a beautiful bunch of flowers waiting for me on the doorstep from The English School.  Thank you!  I promise that I will bring Emilia and Eva to see you all as soon as I can.

Overall yesterday was a pretty good day.  To get a clear picture of what is going on inside Emilia they have done another contrast x-ray, where they put a liquid into her and take a series of x-rays to see its journey into the little bag.  She had four x-rays yesterday and will have another one this morning.  The surgeons were satisfied with the pictures taken yesterday and we will find out soon enough about the one they take this morning.

Our Dr looked at the x-rays first before consulting with the surgeons and he told us that the pictures didn't look perfect and it was difficult for him to reach a conclusion about them.  So that was the bad part of the day that gave us both tummy ache, but the surgeons, who know more, thought they looked OK.  It is hard though not to think that more problems are going to arise in the future.  But she pooed quite a lot yesterday too which is another good sign.

Eva lay on me for 3 hours and then on Jens for another 3.  I held Emilia for 3 hours and it was lovely.  When we put her back into bed she was really awake and so I lay my head on her bed and snuggled into her, showering her with kisses. 

Update

We got to the hospital at around 14.00 yesterday.  At 15.00 Jens held Emilia and she got to try the new oxygen thing in her nose (I still don't know the name of it in English!).  At first she was a little bit restless and her oxygen saturation level was quite low so they were going to change her back, but as they were about to do it she went up to 90 and stayed there for 3 hours.  She found a snuggly spot close to Jens' armpit, managed to relax and had a good sleep.

I met up with the psychologist at 16.15, then ate and then at 18.00 I held Eva.  First she lay at my breast and did some exploring for about 30 minutes and then she lay on my chest.  When Jens had put Emilia back he went to watch football, so I was left holding Eva and facing Emilia.  For the whole time Emilia was unable to relax.  When they put her back to bed they changed her over to the cpap machine again which has a mask and pretty big tubes coming from it.  Moving your head from side to side is pretty difficult to do.  Emilia however managed to do it, alone, about 10 times.  When the mask is not in place the machine beeps, plus her saturation kept going up and down (it probably wasn't but when she wriggles around it is difficult to get an accurate reading) causing the other machine to beep.

So all I wanted to do the whole time was go and comfort her and try to calm her down.  The two other babies on our ward also needed quite a lot of help and there were times when I could see that she had moved her head and had to call after the nurse.  It was a horrible experience and I had stomach ache the whole time.  In the end I cut my time short with Eva just so I could hold my hand over her, sing to her and stroke her little head. 

The nurses believed that the reason for her behaving like this was because she had pains in her stomach.  Since she passed the hard poo last Thursday, hardly anything else has come in her bag.  So they got the Dr in to look at her and they decided to give her a stomach x-ray.  As you can imagine, I was freaking out.  The x-ray did not show anything too worrying and just after midnight a surgeon looked at her and squirted water into the opening of her small intestine.  Some poo came out and since then she has passed 2 ml.  The surgeon did not believe there was anything physical stopping her from pooing which is a relief but I am still worried.  When I called for an update at 06.00 they told me that she had been calm in the night. 

So last night was another extremely low point for me and I felt really angry and irritated.  Emilia has had enough, we have had enough.  We are going to spend a lot of time at the hospital today, she is so much calmer and happier when she is being held.  

A cosy evening

I just held Emilia for 4 hours and it was lovely.  As the poor little thing is now withdrawing from morphine, she is finding it hard to be calm.  But for the first two hours she just rested on me.  Then her restlessness came in waves but when I sang to her and stroked her head she calmed down.  She even turned her head twice, she really does have some power behind her :)

We gave Eva her third bath tonight too.  She got to wear the little plastic thing that gives oxygen to her via her nose and is the next stage after the cpap! (I am not sure what it is called in English) It is the stage they have to take in order to come home.  So she was wearing it throughout her bath and then whilst she lay on Jens for three hours after.  She handled it really well :)  She is back on the cpap machine now though as they want to introduce it gently and not tire her out too much.  This really is progress.

Feeling relaxed

My lovely friends have just left after our sleepover to celebrate Mandy's 30th birthday.  Not only did they come with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, Christina had planned all the food and then cooked it all.  They are absolute sweethearts who I love dearly.  It was nice to have a normal night, drinking red wine and laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants.  It feels lovely to be alive today.

I have called for 2 updates since leaving the hospital yesterday afternoon, which was very hard to do considering Emilia had just gone back on the cpap machine.  She is doing shockingly well, much better than could have been expected.  She isn't back with Eva yet.  They are going to wait until the needle into her central vein is removed as there is a risk that Eva could pull it out.    I really don't think it could happen though as all Eva does is sleep on her tummy. Opening her tiny little eyes is enough of an effort for her! But they know best and good things do come to those who wait.

So we are heading over to the hospital later this afternoon and we are going to give Eva a bath.  I really hope that I get to have snuggle time with Emilia. 

Emilia :)

Could Grandma Lindqvist ask for a better 60th birthday present than her granddaughter Emilia being back on the cpap machine and breathing all by herself with only 35% oxygen.

Things are looking up :)

Update

Emilia is still on the mend which is great news.  They managed to reduce the pressure on her respirator significantly and it is looking like she will be back on the cpap machine tomorrow and reunited with Eva :)  So I should be really happy but just before we left I had a bad experience.

I watched the nurses turn Emilia and she started turning blue and they had to ventilate her.  It has been a long time since I have seen this and it is just the worst thing ever to witness.  They only needed to do it for about 20 seconds so for them it was nothing serious, but for me it is like a knife is twisting in my heart.  My baby has had enough now.  The nurses also asked me to change her nappy, I should have said no as I was so scared of hurting her.  But I did it anyway and it just took it out of me.  As the nurse was sucking the saliva out of her throat, which involves putting a tube down there and makes her wriggle because it is so uncomfortable, she cracked some joke about me cleaning her teeth.  As you can imagine I found it hilarious! NOT!

They also told us today that Eva's blood platelets are low and that they have tested her for some kind of virus that can pass from my breast milk to her.  Full term babies build up immunity to it in the womb.  I cannot remember the name of it and it is not serious but it is something else for us to worry about.  

I have a banging headache and feel totally drained.  It is now 22.23 and only now do I have the energy to write this, I have been asleep on the sofa since we got back from the hospital. The nurses warned us this would happen, that it would hit us a few days afterwards.  Hopefully I am going to feel better tomorrow.  

Morning update

Emilia is getting 35% oxygen this morning and the nurse thought she looked better too :) 

:)

Emilia: 44% oxygen and less pressure on her respirator.

Eva: 27% oxygen.

Bad start, good finish

I called for an update this morning and was told that Emilia had been delicate during the night and was now back on 96% oxygen.  Not a nice way to start to the day.  She has improved a lot again during the day and when we left she was getting 60%.  The Dr thinks that the reason for the change was that she had stomach pains.  During the night she passed quite a lot of hard poo into her bag.  Today her poo looked like normal milk poo and she has been a lot better.  So panic over! Our Dr has told us that he is not worried about what happened.

I breastfed Eva for the first time today :)  Well, I didn't really feed her, but she had my nipple in her mouth for about 30 minutes and did a lot of licking and exploring.  Afterwards she was so exhausted that she lay on me for about 2 hours and didn't move a muscle!  Bless!  I loved every second of it, she is so adorable.

We have bought our family car today too!  Not sure how we managed to even go and look at it after getting the morning news, but we said that if Emilia had improved when we arrived at the hospital that we would buy it.  She had improved so we bought it!  It is a Kia Cee'd estate, dark grey, diesel automatic with a leather interior.  It even has a tow bar so ticks all of our boxes! 

So it has been a day of mixed emotions that has ended on a high note :)

Update

Just called for an update.  42% oxygen!  She is getting better all the time :)

55% Oxygen :)

We just left beautiful Emilia with 55% oxygen.  She has been super stable all day, it is such a relief :)  The Dr is happy with her progress.

Eva has had another good day and they were able to reduce her amount of oxygen too. 

Me and Jens should be able to get a good nights sleep tonight and wake up rested for the first time in 5 days.  It really has been a lovely way to mark the 32 week mark, we are halfway there!

Update

I called for an update when I woke up at 07.30 and nothing had changed.  At one point during the night they were able to bring her oxygen down to 88% but now she is back up to 96%.  They also changed the settings on her respirator but she reacted badly to that so they had to change them back.  She was about to get a blood transfusion and some medicine to help her urinate more.

I feel completely exhausted today.  I managed to go back to sleep after ringing them and now I am forcing some porridge down.  As soon as I am showered and ready we are going to spend the afternoon at the hospital and we are meeting with the psychologist at 16.00.  Jens' Mum and Dad are coming to see the twins tonight and then we are all coming back here for dinner.  I have asked them to take everything "twin related" to their apartment until we need it.  Not because I don't think she is going to make it, because I do.  It is just hard seeing the worlds nicest pram waving at me during this really tough time.  There is an old wives tale too that says it is bad luck to keep a pram in your house until your baby comes home.  Like I said before, I am prepared to do anything to make sure my daughter survives.

A better day :)

It is looking like Emilia is going to pull through.  She has been stable all day and her lungs have started to improve.  The Dr who was a little bit doubtful yesterday now thinks she has a good chance of making it.  The relief we are feeling is immense, but at the same time we know it could change. 

Her spirit is so strong, she wants to live!  

We gave Eva her second bath today and she loved it!  I did it all by myself and felt pretty confident.  Then she got cuddles from Jens, they are so cute together.  She is now over 1,5 kg :) 

Update

Emilia is still critically ill but stable.  There isn't much change from before except for that the amount of infection in her blood has reduced.  She is still getting 100% oxygen and is very fragile.  I spent some time tonight talking to her and holding and kissing her little hand.  She is so lovely.

Jens held Eva for about two hours.  Then we changed her nappy and usually when she lies on her back she has trouble saturating her blood with oxygen.  But tonight she was loving it and handled it really well!  She spent about 10 minutes kicking out her little legs and stretching her arms whilst me and Jens talked to her and gave her cuddles.  It was a really special time.

So now we are back at home.  We got a candle after we christened Emilia and we are going to light it tonight and send her lots of positive energy and all of our love.

Home

We both feel completely exhausted so have decided to spend the day resting at home.  Emilia just needs to rest now.  We are meeting the psychologist at 16.00 and after that we will give Eva a bath and hold her for a few hours.  Monday morning is not the best time to be there as there is a hive of activity and it is hard to not feel like we are in the way.  Should she start to decline again then they will ring us straight away.

I think we were able to sleep so well because the Dr who looked after the twins in the beginning was working last night.  She took us straight to Emilia, took her little cover off and started telling us her medical opinions.  Emilia was and is very swollen, which is normal and to be expected.  She was also very awake so the Dr doubled her amount of morphine so she would be able to relax more.  Then she ordered a high concentration of blood platelets.  She told us that she thought Emilia was going to survive the infection.  Her whole body, from the end of her toes to the tips of her fingers was pink, showing that her blood has managed to circulate despite the assault the infection had taken on her body.  What she has and is suffering from is the worst kind of infection that can affect premature and full term babies.

The good news is that she is responding to the urine medicine and is urinating a good amount.  She needs to do this to get rid of all the excess water in her body and bring down the swelling.  Her infection count had also come down.  She is managing to keep her blood pressure and pulse at the right levels.  She is still in a critical phase of the infection and the Dr this morning told us that she is going to be ill for at least another 24 hours before we see more improvements.  We are still in the danger zone but light can be seen at the end of the tunnel.  Me and Jens are clinging onto that.

When we left her she was about to get some sleeping medicine as she is finding it difficult to relax and sleep.  Throughout this whole episode she has looked like a beautiful little doll, her face is so perfect, she is so perfect.  It has been difficult to really see her features when she was on the cpap machine.  Even when she was really bad she was still opening her eyes and holding our fingers, Emilia Cajsa Lindqvist is still very much at large and has a strong will to live.  Thank you to everyone who is rooting for her, I am sure it all helps.

So, this has easily been the worst weekend of our lives.  I never knew I could feel so sad and helpless or like the world was so unjust.  It is just so hard to make any sense of it.  Everybody reading this knows that me and Jens are not religious people and being faced with the question about christening our daughter was something we were both unprepared for.  At this time she was getting 100% oxygen and her oxygen saturation was around 70%, it should be between 88% and 92%.  We knew that if she started to dip that there was nothing more they could do for her.  So we decided to go ahead with it, at that point I would have done anything.  We were both praying and I have promised God that I will go to church once a month if she survives and that I will give the whole religion thing a chance.  The service was super short and at the end of it she fully opened both of her eyes (before she had only opened them slightly) and then her saturation went up to 87%, the highest it had been all day.  It was a wonderful experience.  Since then, things have only improved.  It was really comforting to have Jens' Mum and Dad with us and I know it made them feel a lot better too.

So now we are back to waiting, hoping and praying.  Hopefully it is just a matter of time until we are back under the rainbow.

Update

Emilia has shown signs of improvement overnight and is responding to treatment.  We have both managed to get some sleep at the hospital overnight and will spend the day with both of our babies.

Eva is doing well.

Critically stable

Emilia is critically stable.  She has started to improve slightly, but the odds are stacked against her.  We had her christened at 15.30 this afternoon.  It was a lovely little service.

We are going to sleep at the hospital tonight.

Update

Emilia is still critically ill. 

Critical

Emilia is critically ill.  She has developed an infection in her blood, it started yesterday lunchtime.  The staff were quick to respond and got her on antibiotics straight away.  She became stable quickly, but in the night she has taken a turn for the worse again.  We are going to the hospital now with dreads in our stomachs. 

Eva is still doing really well.

Eva :)

Today we were greeted by a cpap machine showing only 35% oxygen for Eva and 22% for Emilia.  We both couldn't stop grinning as these are vast reductions compared to what they have been having before, especially for baby Eva :)  She really has been a different baby today, she has been herself :).  Really awake and smiley and managed to keep her oxygen saturation constant all day. 

On Monday we were supposed to give her a bath, but the nurses felt that she was too delicate.  But today we gave her one and she was a little trooper.  She loved it and so did we :)  Her eyes were open the whole time, it was so special.

She has been quite swollen because she has been retaining water.  So she was given medicine to make her wee and they think that is the reason for the vast improvement.  She wasn't swollen at all today and just looked really rosy, cute and content. 

I have been a mess emotionally today.  I just cannot stop crying, I suppose it is the relief.  Emilia is still having poo issues but the Dr doesn't think it is anything serious, just that they need to find the right balance.  But she looks great too, really awake, rosy cheeked and smiley.  If there was something seriously wrong then she would be showing signs of that. 

So, I am now going to get ready for bed and watch Grey's Anatomy and get all of these tears out of me.  I really am a mess and hate crying in public which I did about 3 times today!  But I am so happy and even though this has been the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with, in a weird way it is the best because I have seen my babies grow.  You have to go through rain to see a rainbow and it is safe to say that me, Jens, Emilia and Eva will be sleeping under one tonight :)

Update

In general, Eva and Emilia are doing well.  Eva still has a lot more oxygen than Emilia and both of them are still having pretty regular dips. 

There is too much poo coming into Emilia's bag and it is really watery which is not a good sign.  It could mean that there is bacteria in her intestine so they have taken samples that they will leave to grow for a few days.  They tested her for an infection and that came back negative.  I have got a bit of a bad feeling about this but hopefully it will sort itself out.  The hospital are fully investigating so, as usual, all we can do is wait and see. 

They seem to be enjoying being in the little bed together and are so so so cute! 

A miracle

Just a quick note to say that the girls are still doing really well. 

They are my miracles :)

Held them together

Me and Jens have had a day apart today.  His day started with going to the hospital and taking Eva and Emilia out at the same time, all went really well.  Eva was a little bit up and down but each time she managed to fix it herself.  Emilia was really awake and cheesy grinning her little head off!  Bless.  Then he tried our pram in Martin's Kia Ceed (we maybe getting one), then he watched and played football.

My day started by dropping Jens off at the hospital and nipping in for a quick peek at my little angels!  Then I met Wanja and we went mushroom picking.  Unfortunately someone had already cleaned up on the kantareller  (we saw evidence of human activity) but we found lots and lots of trattkantareller  so it was a successful day.  Maria, I have broken our secrecy code but Wanja has promised to never go there without us and to take the knowledge to the grave!  The mushrooms were still on the rocky ledge, same as last year, and I dove straight in there again :)

Then I went to see my babies and also held them both together.  They were super calm and super cute and I got lots of smiles from Emilia too.  I was singing to them really softly and they seemed to like it.





   

There were two in the bed and the little one said.....

ROLL OVER!
Emilia and Eva have been put in a bed together :) They were touching each others hands and looking at each other.  At one point Emilia had her hand in Eva's little mouth.  It was so amazing to see.  Eva was too hot for her incubator so they decided that this was the best option.  I was sad to see the wizard dress go (I half expected her to be flying around the ward today casting spells on people-I think I have been watching too much True Blood) but thrilled to see them in their little 1,4 kg clothes from England!  

I gave Emilia her first bath today too and she loved it!  She is a real water baby.  We got to see her without her breathing machine and she just had a little mask with oxygen that needed to be close to her face.  I felt a bit nervous but at the same time everything I do for them feels really natural.  The nurse who helped me and showed me what to do was amazing.

So another really good day :)

Emilia is sleeping in a bed!

What an amazing day we have had filled with lovely surprises.

Our talk with the Dr went well and he went through everything that has happened to them.  It really is a miracle that both of their brains are unaffected by the premature birth and that there was only a small amount of blood on Emilia's brain that disappeared by itself.  Emilia's intestine operation was a success and both girls are doing much better in that department.  Emilia and Eva both have some problems with their lungs and Eva seems to be suffering the most.  The Dr thought it may be because her ductus valve was open for as long as it was and that she was on the respirator for quite a long time.  Whatever the reason she is only going to improve in the future and she may surprise everyone and make a full recovery (fingers crossed for that).

So we got to see our girls' incubators positioned in the new part of the ward and it felt much more private.  I couldn't take out Emilia straight away as she got a blood transfusion (they had taken blood to test so they replenish it) but Jens held Eva for the first part of the afternoon.  First the plan was to lie them both together on Jens' chest.  Unfortunately Eva was too unstable to do it so we will have to wait a few more days.  Then, just as I was about to take Emilia out we got told that she was moving into a heated waterbed (very sophisticated!).

So after I had held her for 3 hours I put her into her waterbed.  As I was completely unaware that this was to be happening, all the lovely little clothes (bought lovingly by the Grandmas) were at home, so I got to choose a little dress from the hospital.  It was like a kimono style wizards dress, very very cute!  A bit random and bizarre but very cute.  When we saw Emilia wearing it I couldn't stop giggling and looking at her, we were both in a trance. It was the cutest most amazing thing I have seen in my life to date.

I have dressed my daughter for the first time :)

I had to describe the little dress first before I write about the funny, typical me thing that happened just before.  I had to change her nappy and her bag was full.  So as the Nurse went to get the things I needed I thought I would let her wriggle around nappy free for a while.  Jens was on the other side and Emilia was having a great time on her new bed, when the bag unraveled and the contents gushed out onto the side of the bed.  This literally happened minutes after she landed!  Luckily the waterbed has towels rolled up on the sides to support Emilia when she sleeps and the poo ran onto that.  A very lucky escape!

After 10 hours at the hospital we are now at home and have just shared a pizza.  It feels amazing how far we have come in one day.  Eva is still doing well and will be staying in her lovely, soundproof incubator for a little while longer.  Before we know it I will be writing about her joining Emilia in a bed made for twins!

Could this be the calm before the storm for baby Eva?

Prime position a thing of the past :)

Last night Eva and Emilia were moved from the prime position on the ward, leaving space for babies in need of more intensive care.  So we will have the left hand side (2 corners) all to ourselves.  At the moment there is only one other baby in our room and they are a really lovely family who like it to be quiet.  They have just moved into the right hand corner.  Eva is very sensitive to noise and so it is perfect that we are more spread out.  This really does feel like progress!

I held Eva yesterday and Jens held Emilia.  There was still some plinging but nowhere near as much.  Emilia almost turned her head all by herself as well and dislodged her feeding tube which the nurse then had to pull out.  Both babies are now free of all drips.  Eva gets 24ml of food and Emilia 20ml followed by a solution that replaces the nutrients that she loses as her food doesn't travel the full length of her intestine.  They should be little fatties in no time.

We are meeting with the Dr today at 11.00.  I am going to ask for more specific information about Eva's lungs and try and find out when they can go into a bed together. 

So the sun is shining today and I feel really great :)  Wanja got me and her brother tickets to the opera Salome last night (easily the weirdest thing I have ever seen, worth a watch though - not sure Jens appreciated my opera singing when I got home).  It is the first time I have ventured into the city since the birth and it felt good.  I bought the girls a pair of comfy pants each, the first thing I have bought!  As soon as they go into the bed they can start wearing clothes.  My Mum has bought them 1,4kg clothes and they are so so so cute. 

6 weeks today!

So our baby girls are now in pregnancy week 30! We have made it through the first 6 weeks, 10 to go.....  Whilst we are very happy that all is going in the right direction this is definitely a very long marathon and not a sprint.

In general they are still doing well.  Both of them are still really and up and down with their oxygen saturation levels and Eva's lung x-ray still showed water on her lungs. The Dr told us that he had expected them to look better than they do :( It is looking like she may need oxygen when she comes home and could be affected during her life.  Permanent problems because of the early birth are really difficult for me to deal with.  We are sitting down with the Dr on Friday morning and then we will get more information. 

We went to Ikea today to look at baby things and a few more bits and pieces that we needed.  I got a migraine after about 30 minutes and I couldn't see properly.  Jens had to bring me home and put me to bed.  After a sleep I was OK (I still have a headache) and then we went to the hospital.  It really is one thing after another.  I am glad though that I got to see them, it made me feel a lot better.

Update

As of yesterday Emilia weighed 1030g and Eva 1070g meaning that they have doubled in weight since being born.  How cool is that!  My super pumped breast milk is doing the job well.

We took them out again and while there were no major incidents their oxygen saturation levels were up and down the whole time, which makes the monitors bleep the whole time, which puts me on guard the whole time :( It really is impossible to relax.  I ask constant questions, usually ones the Nurses cannot answer like "How long is this going to last?" and "Is it normal for this to be happening" and they cannot answer how long but assured me it is normal.  Our Dr said to us yesterday that they are doing OK but are not perfect. 

Anyways, if I have not updated the blog then just assume that this phase of beeping is continuing (no news is good news).  Lets hope it is over soon and then they will get to go in a little bed together, a sight we cannot wait to see!