Update

Emilia had her eyes checked yesterday and has been given the all clear :)  Meaning that both laser eye operations were successful.  Emilia and Eva will have a routine check in a couple of months.

As expected, Emilia had barely put on any weight.  She is now 3495, meaning she had only put on 45g in three days :(.  The Nurse thought it was good that her tube was gone and gave us the option of fixing a new one.  We have decided against it and are going to give Emilia a chance to get used to feeding around the clock from a bottle.  It is really frustrating for both her and us, but the feeding tube is only a temporary solution anyway - she has to learn!  I know that she can do it and just needs a bit more time.  Ideally she needs to eat 500ml over a 24hr period and after her next feed she will have reached that goal :) She does seem a lot calmer and she is being sick less.  We will weigh her again next Wednesday so fingers crossed.

Feeding tube

We may have taken away Emilia's feeding tube too soon :(  She is not eating her full amount of food from a bottle and is being sick much more than normal.  We are going to the hospital tommorow for her to be weighed and checked, back on the neonatal ward so we will see what they say.  I really thought she would be able to handle it, but she is so tired and it takes her forever to drink from her bottle and then she is sick :(  Boo hoo.

3450g

Emilia weighs 3450g, meaning she has put on 230g in a week :)  We asked our Nurse, who came on a home visit, to remove Emilia's feeding tube.  I hope this is the right decision and that she will still put on weight.  It does mean we will have to work harder but it is worth it.  She just ate 80ml from a bottle so is right on track :)  I love her so much and seeing her pretty little face without a tube going into her nose is the best christmas present ever.  So, now we just have her oxygen and hip brace left :)  On the 16th Jan we will take Emilia in to have her hips checked.  Jens is convinced that on this date she will be free from extra oxygen and her hip brace and will be ready to live her life like any other baby :)

Eva had also put on weight and is now 4340g.  She is thriving.

Me and Jens are feeling really happy!  Our little cubs are sleeping soundly and our christmas tree is shining in the corner.  I am literally bursting with joy :)

Emilia, free from her feeding tube and nasal cannula:

Eva ready for a winter walk!

Hard to make sense of

Emilia seems to be doing a little better, although it is still up and down and sometimes it is clear that she is pain.  It is heartbreaking for me to watch but I am trying to just take it day by day.  On Tuesday she will have been at home for 3 weeks!  I cannot really say the time has gone fast and all the days seem to just merge into each other but it does feel like we are getting there.  We are managing to get some order in our house and I even did the ironing the other day which has been waving at me for about 2 months :)!

Eva is a little star!  She is still eating and sleeping really well. She is a strong little one.  She can hold her head up and is the cuddliest little munchkin.  We sat them face to face last night on Jens knee, haha, it was very very cute.

It is safe to say that me, Jens, Emilia and Eva are living in a bubble.  There is so much to do and time between feeds seems to fly by so fast that it is easy to forget about the lives of friends and family.  Two days ago my little family bubble was burst when I recevied the heartbreaking news that a guy I study with has taken his own life.  John Berg was a friend of mine and a part of my circle of friends in Borås.  I remember him consoling me when I felt anxious about being pregnant and just seeing him lit up my day.  I am so gutted that I will never see him again and that he will never get to meet my babies.  Our circle will never be the same again and I suppose I just thought it would all be waiting for me when my crazy life had calmed down.  He was popular, funny and one of a kind.  He would have made a really excellent teacher.  I wanted to tell him about a silly English TV series I have been watching, but now I can't.  It is so unfair and so hard to make sense of.

So in a way it has been a bit of a wake up call.  Yes, my life is hard but we are doing OK and it is only going to get better.  I just want everyone to know that I want you to share your problems and lives with me.  Even if it is via email or text or whatever.  I am here and I care! :)

Worried over nothing

I had a really bad day yesterday but all is well again.

Emilia, very suddenly, stopped pooing unassisted.  She was sick more than normal too and whilst we were feeding her kept crying whilst showing signs that she was hungry.  So I called the hospital and they said that we could bring her in and they could give her a laxitive.  We made the decision to wait until today to see how she got on.

So as all this was happening my appetite disappeared and I started to feel really weak and couldn't stop crying again.  I was so worried.  I had been looking after the twins, in the living room, for 14 hours without taking any kind of break; all the time wishing that Emilia would do a poo.  Jens was calm throughout and just kept reassuring me.  After making me some food (I could hardly eat any of it), he sent me off to bed for a 10 hour sleep and took on the night shift.

This morning, Emilia made up for lost poo and filled her nappy :)  Another insanely happy moment in this never ending saga.   She seems much calmer too and as I am typing this Eva and Emilia are snuggled up in bed having a lovely morning nap.

I feel refreshed, calm and ready to take on a new day with my beautiful twins and wonderful husband (who is also snuggled up in bed getting some well earned rest) :)

200g

Emilia has put on 200g since last Thursday and is now weighing in at 3220g :) :) :) :)

Eva is 4240g :)

We got them weighed at our local medical centre which made a refreshing change to going to the hospital.  We are a healthy family! HOORAY!

Decision made

I have made the decision to stop breastfeeding.  I woke up 2 nights ago with really bad pain again in my left breast and since then I have been so worried that I am going to develop mastitis again.  I saw a Dr yesterday who gave me a nose spray that is supposed to help empty your breasts.  It does not seem to be working.  The problem I have is that neither Eva or Emilia suck really hard and I no longer respond to the pump.  I have really have been fighting a losing battle that is now ending.  My decision feels right and so now I have to find out how to stop the little bit of milk that I do have from clogging up and making me sick again.  Getting ill again is not an option!

We were at the hospital on Monday for check-ups.  Eva is almost 4kg! and Emilia almost 3kg!  Both had put weight on which is great news.  I told the Dr about Emilia's episodes of where she sounds like she is in real pain and she told us of a way we can help her poo.  It seems to be helping.  We also found out that she needs to wear a hip brace  for 6 weeks and when the nurse put it on her I just broke down.  It all just feels never ending for little Emlia.  I have had a day to get used to it and she does not seem to be affected by it and it may even make her feel a bit more secure.  She feels a bit more sturdy too when we hold her.  Changing her nappy is a bit of a pain but as always we just have to suck it up and get on with it.

The good news is that we have been able to dramatically reduce the amount of oxygen Emilia needs :)  There is still hope for a fire on Christmas Day ;) Eva has now been oxygen free for the last few days.

Jens as always is just wonderful (I spent most of the day in tears yesterday and he looked after me) as are his parents who are coming over tonight to help out whilst Jens goes and picks up a sofa bed and we take our cats to the vets.  They are always making food for us and even went shopping for us at the weekend. Mandy is doing the night shift on Saturday too :)  All the help we can get at the moment is appreciated.