Peace

I attended my friends funeral yesterday and it has left me in a state of peace and appreciation.  I still cannot get over the fact that I will never see John again, I liked him so much and it is such a waste of a truly wonderful life.  Seeing so many people devastated really hit home how important family and friends are and how we never really know the extent to which we influence others.  Would John have done the same thing if he had known how special and loved he was?

Me, Jens and our friends and family have spent the last five months fighting for the lives of Emilia and Eva.  I live for my babies and would do anything for them.  It is easily the toughest job I have ever had (and I have had a lot!) but as a parent you fight for the lives of your children.  In a way you put on hold your own life for theirs.  I cannot imagine how his parents must feel and I am so sad for them and for his sister.  I hope they can all find the strength to get through this.

So on Thursday when I pick up my sister who I haven't seen in a year she is going to get the biggest hug ever, as are my Mum and Dad.  I have a new found respect for them as Í now know how hard they worked to raise me and love me.  I am so lucky :)

Oxygen

Emilia has been without extra oxygen for the last two hours :)

Best christmas present

I got the best crimbo present yesterday, Emilia had her best day yet.  She ate well all day/night and hardly cried at all.  She took her first bath without crying too :)  Hooray.

We shared a lovely, cosy Christmas Eva with Farfar and Farmor Lindqvist.  Emilia and Eva seemed really at home in their Granparents' apartment.  They both got a gold heart necklace with their names engraved on one side and their date of birth on the other.  They are such beautiful and thoughtful gifts that they can treasure forever.

Merry Christmas everyone and thank you so much for all your support!

Update

Emilia had her eyes checked yesterday and has been given the all clear :)  Meaning that both laser eye operations were successful.  Emilia and Eva will have a routine check in a couple of months.

As expected, Emilia had barely put on any weight.  She is now 3495, meaning she had only put on 45g in three days :(.  The Nurse thought it was good that her tube was gone and gave us the option of fixing a new one.  We have decided against it and are going to give Emilia a chance to get used to feeding around the clock from a bottle.  It is really frustrating for both her and us, but the feeding tube is only a temporary solution anyway - she has to learn!  I know that she can do it and just needs a bit more time.  Ideally she needs to eat 500ml over a 24hr period and after her next feed she will have reached that goal :) She does seem a lot calmer and she is being sick less.  We will weigh her again next Wednesday so fingers crossed.

Feeding tube

We may have taken away Emilia's feeding tube too soon :(  She is not eating her full amount of food from a bottle and is being sick much more than normal.  We are going to the hospital tommorow for her to be weighed and checked, back on the neonatal ward so we will see what they say.  I really thought she would be able to handle it, but she is so tired and it takes her forever to drink from her bottle and then she is sick :(  Boo hoo.

3450g

Emilia weighs 3450g, meaning she has put on 230g in a week :)  We asked our Nurse, who came on a home visit, to remove Emilia's feeding tube.  I hope this is the right decision and that she will still put on weight.  It does mean we will have to work harder but it is worth it.  She just ate 80ml from a bottle so is right on track :)  I love her so much and seeing her pretty little face without a tube going into her nose is the best christmas present ever.  So, now we just have her oxygen and hip brace left :)  On the 16th Jan we will take Emilia in to have her hips checked.  Jens is convinced that on this date she will be free from extra oxygen and her hip brace and will be ready to live her life like any other baby :)

Eva had also put on weight and is now 4340g.  She is thriving.

Me and Jens are feeling really happy!  Our little cubs are sleeping soundly and our christmas tree is shining in the corner.  I am literally bursting with joy :)

Emilia, free from her feeding tube and nasal cannula:

Eva ready for a winter walk!

Hard to make sense of

Emilia seems to be doing a little better, although it is still up and down and sometimes it is clear that she is pain.  It is heartbreaking for me to watch but I am trying to just take it day by day.  On Tuesday she will have been at home for 3 weeks!  I cannot really say the time has gone fast and all the days seem to just merge into each other but it does feel like we are getting there.  We are managing to get some order in our house and I even did the ironing the other day which has been waving at me for about 2 months :)!

Eva is a little star!  She is still eating and sleeping really well. She is a strong little one.  She can hold her head up and is the cuddliest little munchkin.  We sat them face to face last night on Jens knee, haha, it was very very cute.

It is safe to say that me, Jens, Emilia and Eva are living in a bubble.  There is so much to do and time between feeds seems to fly by so fast that it is easy to forget about the lives of friends and family.  Two days ago my little family bubble was burst when I recevied the heartbreaking news that a guy I study with has taken his own life.  John Berg was a friend of mine and a part of my circle of friends in Borås.  I remember him consoling me when I felt anxious about being pregnant and just seeing him lit up my day.  I am so gutted that I will never see him again and that he will never get to meet my babies.  Our circle will never be the same again and I suppose I just thought it would all be waiting for me when my crazy life had calmed down.  He was popular, funny and one of a kind.  He would have made a really excellent teacher.  I wanted to tell him about a silly English TV series I have been watching, but now I can't.  It is so unfair and so hard to make sense of.

So in a way it has been a bit of a wake up call.  Yes, my life is hard but we are doing OK and it is only going to get better.  I just want everyone to know that I want you to share your problems and lives with me.  Even if it is via email or text or whatever.  I am here and I care! :)