In spite of all the emotions I am feeling and the stress surrounding our new situation, I also feel complete now that Emilia is at home. After I felt really sad at the hospital I was given the option of leaving her for a night and my first thought was one of relief and I nearly did it. But then I thought of Emilia and how much better she has it at home than in the hospital. How much better we can love her and comfort her. I want to take care of her and I feel incredible joy when I am doing it. Even all the work doesn't feel like hard work because I know with every feed that Emilia will put weight on and with every cuddle that she feels calmer which helps her little body to heal and grow.
I love my babies more than anything in the world and I am determined to work through all of my emotional issues to give them the best life possible :)!
lördag 3 december 2011
Family at home
We have just survived the fourth night of being full time parents of twins. Both girls are doing well and we are doing as well as can be expected. We take turns caring for them during the night and only get the other one up if they both need us at the same time (which happened at 5 o'clock this morning!). To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement!
So we arrived home on Tuesday afternoon after a super stressful day at the hospital. Emilia and Eva had their ears tested just before we left and they were unable to test one of Emilia's ears as the ear hole was too small. So we now have to take her for another hospital visit in 2 weeks :( Eva got the all clear. When I took Emilia back to be fed it was way past her feeding time and so both me and her were really stressed. Then the nurses started giving me lots of instructions whilst I was breastfeeding and everything felt too much. When Jens got back with Eva I started crying tears of frustration and just felt like my head was about to explode.
Then we went down to the car (it was raining of course!), got Emilia settled in the car seat and tried to put Eva in only to find out the straps were too short and we had no idea how to lengthen them. Luckily a nurse was helping us and we got that sorted. During all of this me and Jens were hungry too :( When we finally got home, Emilia just wouldn't stop crying and was so frustrated that she wouldn't take my breast. We had no formula prepared and at this time were only feeding her via her tube and so it takes time for her to feel full. Jens fed Eva who kept being sick and so he was unable to put her down. Within half an hour I had begged Jens to call his Mum and Dad to come and help us!
Looking back it all seems quite comical! At one point Eva, Emilia and me were all crying with Jens running around trying to sort everything. The feeling of being overwhelmed was just so strong and at this point I felt sick and just kept thinking; How are we going to cope? and what have we done?
But like I said, 4 nights on and my nervous breakdown hasn't happened yet although I did have an extremely emotional experience at the hospital when I took Emilia in for her check. After I had taken the card and chocolates up to the neonatal ward I had to go and cry really hard in the toilet (Emilia was on the ward having her siesta). Then I went for lunch and had no appetite and had to call Jens and cry down the phone. I felt so terrible. Then I went to the psychologist to make an appointment and everything just came out. I started hyperventilating and felt dizzy and just couldn't stop crying. She was lovely and apparently this reaction is completely normal and I am going to see her on a regular basis again for a while.
I then had a long talk with Emilia's Dr who is so lovely and we decided that we are now giving her bottles and my breast when I feel like it. This way when she is hungry she gets direct relief and we cut down on her stress. She is still pooing too much and so we need to feed her every 3 hours and give her a water supplement between feeds during the day. For the most part we are managing to keep her calm; it really us operation "fatten up Emilia" in our house. I want her to be healthy and strong more than anything.
Eva is still doing really well :) My arms are starting to ache when I hold her, which exaggerates even more how little Emilia is. We feel like we are going to break her.
Jens is a wonderful Dad and an excellent support for me. He tells me constantly that we can handle this and that everything is going to be OK.
So we arrived home on Tuesday afternoon after a super stressful day at the hospital. Emilia and Eva had their ears tested just before we left and they were unable to test one of Emilia's ears as the ear hole was too small. So we now have to take her for another hospital visit in 2 weeks :( Eva got the all clear. When I took Emilia back to be fed it was way past her feeding time and so both me and her were really stressed. Then the nurses started giving me lots of instructions whilst I was breastfeeding and everything felt too much. When Jens got back with Eva I started crying tears of frustration and just felt like my head was about to explode.
Then we went down to the car (it was raining of course!), got Emilia settled in the car seat and tried to put Eva in only to find out the straps were too short and we had no idea how to lengthen them. Luckily a nurse was helping us and we got that sorted. During all of this me and Jens were hungry too :( When we finally got home, Emilia just wouldn't stop crying and was so frustrated that she wouldn't take my breast. We had no formula prepared and at this time were only feeding her via her tube and so it takes time for her to feel full. Jens fed Eva who kept being sick and so he was unable to put her down. Within half an hour I had begged Jens to call his Mum and Dad to come and help us!
Looking back it all seems quite comical! At one point Eva, Emilia and me were all crying with Jens running around trying to sort everything. The feeling of being overwhelmed was just so strong and at this point I felt sick and just kept thinking; How are we going to cope? and what have we done?
But like I said, 4 nights on and my nervous breakdown hasn't happened yet although I did have an extremely emotional experience at the hospital when I took Emilia in for her check. After I had taken the card and chocolates up to the neonatal ward I had to go and cry really hard in the toilet (Emilia was on the ward having her siesta). Then I went for lunch and had no appetite and had to call Jens and cry down the phone. I felt so terrible. Then I went to the psychologist to make an appointment and everything just came out. I started hyperventilating and felt dizzy and just couldn't stop crying. She was lovely and apparently this reaction is completely normal and I am going to see her on a regular basis again for a while.
I then had a long talk with Emilia's Dr who is so lovely and we decided that we are now giving her bottles and my breast when I feel like it. This way when she is hungry she gets direct relief and we cut down on her stress. She is still pooing too much and so we need to feed her every 3 hours and give her a water supplement between feeds during the day. For the most part we are managing to keep her calm; it really us operation "fatten up Emilia" in our house. I want her to be healthy and strong more than anything.
Eva is still doing really well :) My arms are starting to ache when I hold her, which exaggerates even more how little Emilia is. We feel like we are going to break her.
Jens is a wonderful Dad and an excellent support for me. He tells me constantly that we can handle this and that everything is going to be OK.
måndag 28 november 2011
My thankyou letter
As Emilia is about to come home, it seems only right that I make the thankyou card that I have been planning to give to the neonatal unit. I want to keep a record of what I write to them and thought I would share it with everyone here too. It really feels like all the bad things are finally ending; here is my closure:
I have written this thankyou card over and over in my head. I am not sure that words can do justice to something this big, but I will try; I want you all to know how I feel.
On the 27th July my two angels came into this world. My first thought was one of relief as the labour was so painful but I don't think a day has passed where I haven't wished that Emilia and Eva could still be inside me, protected and able to grow.
We were then thrust into a world of incubators, CRP values and lots of stressful plinging. I have seen both of my babies stop breathing and turn blue, witnessed a sepsis infection where Emilia nearly died and been woken repeatedly in the night to be told a respirator was needed (yet again!)..... the list goes on and these horrors still haunt me.
Eva has been home now for over three weeks and she is thriving. But for the small amount of oxygen she occasionally needs, you would never know she was premature. She is perfect.
Emilia is about to come home on a 24 hour trial :), is now eating all the food she requires and is back to her wonderful, beautiful little self. It is a miracle that she has survived all she has. She is a blessing and a fighter and I am sure that greatness awaits for my princess.
This happy ending is down to the amazing team that got my babies through this.
Jens, Paula, Eva and Emilia (aka Pling och Plong ;))
On the 27th July my two angels came into this world. My first thought was one of relief as the labour was so painful but I don't think a day has passed where I haven't wished that Emilia and Eva could still be inside me, protected and able to grow.
We were then thrust into a world of incubators, CRP values and lots of stressful plinging. I have seen both of my babies stop breathing and turn blue, witnessed a sepsis infection where Emilia nearly died and been woken repeatedly in the night to be told a respirator was needed (yet again!)..... the list goes on and these horrors still haunt me.
Eva has been home now for over three weeks and she is thriving. But for the small amount of oxygen she occasionally needs, you would never know she was premature. She is perfect.
Emilia is about to come home on a 24 hour trial :), is now eating all the food she requires and is back to her wonderful, beautiful little self. It is a miracle that she has survived all she has. She is a blessing and a fighter and I am sure that greatness awaits for my princess.
This happy ending is down to the amazing team that got my babies through this.
- Thank you to the nurses and doctors who dared to give us hope when everything felt hopeless.
- Thank you for every time you put a needle in my babies, essentially saving their lives. Each time I wanted to scream "stop" but you did what you needed to do.
- Thank you to the nurses who not only cared for my babies but who also gave them love. So many of you go that extra mile and it means so much.
- Thank you for putting up with my questions that I knew could not be answered.
- Thank you to those of you who checked in on us, even when Emilia and Eva weren't in your care. I am sure that they miss so many of you.
- Thank you for letting us use the green chairs for as long as we did ;)
- Thank you to all the doctors for keeping us constantly updated, we know how busy you all are.
- Thank you for making the toughest time of our lives bearable and at times enjoyable.
- Thank you for saving our babies.
Jens, Paula, Eva and Emilia (aka Pling och Plong ;))
Emilia is coming home
Emilia is coming home tomorrow on a 24 hour trial :)
I meant to write the blog last night as two very exciting things happened yesterday. The first thing was that Emilia breastfed 50 ml! Which is a record and 40 ml came from my weaker breast, the one I hardly ever get any milk out of. Which goes to show that pumping milk is totally rubbish. The only problem is that as she is so little and still quite weak, she doesn't have the strength to suck so good every time. We are going to keep her feeding tube in place until the breastfeeding gets even stronger.
The second good thing was that as Emilia is now eating 60 ml of food, she no longer needs her drip and so they were able to remove the last needle (which was in her head)! Meaning that she is totally free and only has oxygen and her feeding tube. I cried tears of joy and relief while holding her close to me. The feeling was so so strong and overwhelming that it is difficult to describe (I think the nurses were quite surprised by the strength of my reaction). We have seen so many needles put into her and seen her unable to move her hands and feet properly. It never got any easier. But now that is all behind us and it feels amazing.
The past is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift - that is why it is called the present!
We have spent the last three weeks loving Eva at home (who slept well for the first time in her bed) and tomorrow Emilia will get the same treatment; I cannot wait! I have always said that I cannot imagine how it will be to have both of my baby girls home and to be honest the anticipation of the unknown makes it even more exciting. I know it is going to be hard work but I hope all these experiences we have had so far are going to help us enjoy every minute even more, even during the tough times.
Maybe everything does happen for a reason?!
I meant to write the blog last night as two very exciting things happened yesterday. The first thing was that Emilia breastfed 50 ml! Which is a record and 40 ml came from my weaker breast, the one I hardly ever get any milk out of. Which goes to show that pumping milk is totally rubbish. The only problem is that as she is so little and still quite weak, she doesn't have the strength to suck so good every time. We are going to keep her feeding tube in place until the breastfeeding gets even stronger.
The second good thing was that as Emilia is now eating 60 ml of food, she no longer needs her drip and so they were able to remove the last needle (which was in her head)! Meaning that she is totally free and only has oxygen and her feeding tube. I cried tears of joy and relief while holding her close to me. The feeling was so so strong and overwhelming that it is difficult to describe (I think the nurses were quite surprised by the strength of my reaction). We have seen so many needles put into her and seen her unable to move her hands and feet properly. It never got any easier. But now that is all behind us and it feels amazing.
The past is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift - that is why it is called the present!
We have spent the last three weeks loving Eva at home (who slept well for the first time in her bed) and tomorrow Emilia will get the same treatment; I cannot wait! I have always said that I cannot imagine how it will be to have both of my baby girls home and to be honest the anticipation of the unknown makes it even more exciting. I know it is going to be hard work but I hope all these experiences we have had so far are going to help us enjoy every minute even more, even during the tough times.
Maybe everything does happen for a reason?!
lördag 26 november 2011
Thank you
Thanks to all the lovely words of encouragement from so many people about my breastfeeding efforts and the whole "formula" issue. I know I need to sort my head out and stop focusing so much on it. Emilia breastfed three times today, the first and last times went ok but the second time she only ate 5 ml. It is hard to not feel disappointed when she has been feeding for 20 minutes and what she is doing feels right. I promise I will try to just let it go and focus on all the good!
Emilia is doing great :) She is still pooing a little bit too much, but they are going to give her the extra nutrients and liquids she needs via her feeding tube; meaning that soon she is going to be free of all needles into her body thus reducing the risk of infection. She gets upset when she is hungry but apart from that she is super calm and back to her normal self.
Maybe this time next week we will all be home together :)
Emilia is doing great :) She is still pooing a little bit too much, but they are going to give her the extra nutrients and liquids she needs via her feeding tube; meaning that soon she is going to be free of all needles into her body thus reducing the risk of infection. She gets upset when she is hungry but apart from that she is super calm and back to her normal self.
Maybe this time next week we will all be home together :)
fredag 25 november 2011
Day at home
Jens headed off this morning to spend the day with Emilia and so I get to be at home with little Eva :)
Yesterday they increased Emilia's food to 60 ml, which means she is now getting all the food she needs. Unfortunately though she still needs to be on the drip as she is pooing too much, meaning she is not getting all the nutrients she requires. I have not had an update from Jens yet so I don't know how she got on in the night, but the Dr told us yesterday that we are looking at 1 -2 weeks until she will be able to come home :) There is light at the end of our insanely long tunnel.
Eva had her weekly check-up yesterday and she weighed in at 3535 g! The nurse was happy with her progress.
I am still struggling to come to terms with my dwindling milk supply :( It feels so unfair. I just spent some time reading about formula on the internet and really wish I hadn't. You would think I was giving my babies poison! I understand the need to promote breastmilk but at what cost? Do these people not understand that there are extreme situations where formula is the only option.
I just cannot shake the feeling that I have failed my babies yet again. Emilia is now getting about 15 ml of my milk each feed and 45 ml formula :(. I am spending so much time pumping and hand milking (my right breast no longer responds to the pump) that I am so close to just giving up - and giving up is so alien to me. I never really minded pumping when I got a decent amount of milk, after every pump I felt like I had achieved something. Now each time I just feel defeated.
Yesterday they increased Emilia's food to 60 ml, which means she is now getting all the food she needs. Unfortunately though she still needs to be on the drip as she is pooing too much, meaning she is not getting all the nutrients she requires. I have not had an update from Jens yet so I don't know how she got on in the night, but the Dr told us yesterday that we are looking at 1 -2 weeks until she will be able to come home :) There is light at the end of our insanely long tunnel.
Eva had her weekly check-up yesterday and she weighed in at 3535 g! The nurse was happy with her progress.
I am still struggling to come to terms with my dwindling milk supply :( It feels so unfair. I just spent some time reading about formula on the internet and really wish I hadn't. You would think I was giving my babies poison! I understand the need to promote breastmilk but at what cost? Do these people not understand that there are extreme situations where formula is the only option.
I just cannot shake the feeling that I have failed my babies yet again. Emilia is now getting about 15 ml of my milk each feed and 45 ml formula :(. I am spending so much time pumping and hand milking (my right breast no longer responds to the pump) that I am so close to just giving up - and giving up is so alien to me. I never really minded pumping when I got a decent amount of milk, after every pump I felt like I had achieved something. Now each time I just feel defeated.
söndag 20 november 2011
Update
So I have just said my goodbyes to my Mum and Dad and I am sitting on the sofa with Eva beside me in her Winnie the Pooh baby chair. I have just fed her and she is enjoying looking around and wiggling her little podgy body. She is 3,5kg and apart from the very small amount of extra oxygen she needs, you would never know that she was born 16 weeks early. She is perfect.
We have spent the day at the hospital with Emilia, who is progressing really well. They are gradually increasing her food intake and she has gone from 2 ml upto 35 ml. She needs to get upto 60 ml for them to be able to take away her drip; something we are looking forward to as it minimises the risk of infection. She has had lots of cuddles from her Grandparents today and got to have a siesta with Eva after she tried to feed on her face! They are so cute together.
Even though the ward is small, we are very happy with where Emilia is and the care she is getting. Luckily there has only been one other baby in the room all weekend, although that baby has severe breathing difficulties and cries a lot; it is heartbreaking to hear. I am longing for the day when we don't need to go to the hospital.
This is a blog about Emilia and Eva so I will try to keep my ramblings to a minimum about myself, but the past three weeks have been three of the toughest weeks of my life. My mastitis did not resolve itself and I was put on antibiotics. The pain in my left breast was so intense that I was on full dose of ibuprofen and paracetamol but I was still feeling pain with flu like symptoms. In the end they had to put a drain in my left breast and suck the puss out of the right one. It hurt like hell and my milk supply is pathetic. Emilia is now getting 50% breastmillk, 50% formula, which I hate, but there is nothing I can do about it. Due to the overwhelming nature of everything and me being so ill I have also felt extremely depressed. I don't think I have ever needed my Mum as much as I did this past week. She has literally done everything for me, enabling me to focus on Eva and cope with the tough situation Emila is in; she is an angel and I am so thankful.
But I feel a lot better today and more able to cope with everything (a big relief for my Mum!). My breasts seem to be on the mend and Eva is living proof that formula is ok. It's not how I want it to be, but then none of this has was part of my plan. It is easier said than done, but I am going to try and relax more. I know it was stress that caused my breast infection and I refuse to let that happen again. So with Eva in my arms, I am now going to get cuddled up on the sofa and have a little nap with my beautiful baby girl.
We have spent the day at the hospital with Emilia, who is progressing really well. They are gradually increasing her food intake and she has gone from 2 ml upto 35 ml. She needs to get upto 60 ml for them to be able to take away her drip; something we are looking forward to as it minimises the risk of infection. She has had lots of cuddles from her Grandparents today and got to have a siesta with Eva after she tried to feed on her face! They are so cute together.
Even though the ward is small, we are very happy with where Emilia is and the care she is getting. Luckily there has only been one other baby in the room all weekend, although that baby has severe breathing difficulties and cries a lot; it is heartbreaking to hear. I am longing for the day when we don't need to go to the hospital.
This is a blog about Emilia and Eva so I will try to keep my ramblings to a minimum about myself, but the past three weeks have been three of the toughest weeks of my life. My mastitis did not resolve itself and I was put on antibiotics. The pain in my left breast was so intense that I was on full dose of ibuprofen and paracetamol but I was still feeling pain with flu like symptoms. In the end they had to put a drain in my left breast and suck the puss out of the right one. It hurt like hell and my milk supply is pathetic. Emilia is now getting 50% breastmillk, 50% formula, which I hate, but there is nothing I can do about it. Due to the overwhelming nature of everything and me being so ill I have also felt extremely depressed. I don't think I have ever needed my Mum as much as I did this past week. She has literally done everything for me, enabling me to focus on Eva and cope with the tough situation Emila is in; she is an angel and I am so thankful.
But I feel a lot better today and more able to cope with everything (a big relief for my Mum!). My breasts seem to be on the mend and Eva is living proof that formula is ok. It's not how I want it to be, but then none of this has was part of my plan. It is easier said than done, but I am going to try and relax more. I know it was stress that caused my breast infection and I refuse to let that happen again. So with Eva in my arms, I am now going to get cuddled up on the sofa and have a little nap with my beautiful baby girl.
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